10 Years Later!

Hi it's me, and 10 years ago today marks my Cancerversary 🎀! I'm sure some of you reading this are like, what is that?! What day do you pick? Well, for me it's the day that my cancer was officially gone from my body. On the morning of June 6th, 2014 I went to Moffitt Cancer Center and had a double mastectomy with some lymph nodes removed. I was fortunate enough to not show any signs of metastasis plus they got great margins SO IT WAS G-O-N-E, GONE! 

I don't brag about this for me, I like to do this to give those who are fighting or those who recently fought some hope. When you're going through treatments, surgeries, doctor visits, and scans...all you can think of is your fate. You're constantly worried about it coming back or that they missed something or that there's a complication. Your schedule is filled with appointments that you don't want to have. You're spending all your time fighting the disease trying to keep your thoughts from going to the worst outcome possible. You struggle with being sick but also try not to become a victim of cancer because that will consume you. Finding hope for yourself is what gets you through this insanity. I know it sounds cliche, but you need something to keep you going. 

Back when I was fighting, it gave me hope when people told me that they were a survivor for 3 years, 7 years, 10 years, and more. They gave me something to look forward to and that I had a chance to survive this. It's tough because we all know not everybody makes it. On a daily basis for years I would think, am I going to survive? 

I'm going to keep this short and end with some advice that I'd like to offer. The first 5 are for those fighting, fought, or finished cancer treatment. Number 6 are for your all of us who help support or act as caregivers for those patients!

1️⃣ Keep your chin up and push forward. 

2️⃣ Don't accept the "new normal", Go find new things that you like to do and do them. Step out of that comfort zone!

3️⃣ Stay stronger than cancer! So many become a victim of cancer, don't let cancer do that to you. Cancer doesn't deserve that. It happens to the best of us but recognize it and beat it.

4️⃣ Find the silver linings. They are there, although you may not see them at first. 

5️⃣ Find time for those who find time for you. That might even be your pets! We're all busy but we have to find time because all of our time is limited.

6️⃣ Be supportive to those dealing with cancer in any way that you know how. This could be listening to them, helping around the house, sending a meal, mailing a card, or picking up the phone to talk instead of text. It's really the simple things that mean the most sometimes! 

Thanks for reading 🩷! I hope this serves as a reminder for all of you to get your routine exams and scans. I also hope you now feel the urge to reach out to somebody that could use a friend who is fighting through this horrible disease. It wouldn't hurt to check a caregiver if you know someone is doing the best they can, it's hard on everyone. We need more kindness in this world and it has to start somewhere! 😉

My Happy 5-Year Cancerversary!

Me and David learning how to make glass in
Murano, Italy - November, 2018

Today is what I consider my five-year cancerversary, this means my body was rid of Triple Negative Breast Cancer (aka TNBC) five years ago today!! Some people use their diagnosis date, some people use their last chemo day, but I use my double mastectomy date because that's when it was gone! Every time I started to write something to start this blog post my eyes get watery with happiness and sadness all at the same time.

Today is a good day and I remember 5 years seeming like the impossible back when I was going through treatment and surgeries. I remember thinking I might not make it to this day, and I remember thinking that God only knows what I'll even look like!  I was so weak 5 years ago and could not imagine being healthy again. Today was the day I walked into the hospital to get my breasts removed and start reconstruction for new ones. For a woman, this is a strange feeling.  This is part of why I get a little emotional too, that was so intense for me, my family, and my friends. There are so many unknowns facing something like that and it's scary to say the least. I put my trust in my doctors at Moffitt and they didn’t disappoint me one bit!

Walking in for my double mastectomy
w/ reconstruction surgery 6/6/14

TNBC is very aggressive and of all the breast cancers to get, it's probably the one you would prefer not to have. But research is improving and it's getting more exposure and people like me are surviving, however not everyone is that fortunate and I think this is part of what makes my eyes tear up too. I think survivors of all kinds have Survivor’s Guilt. I’ve learned that it's OK to feel this way and I realize that we all have a purpose on this planet no matter how much time we get, so do something good in their memory.

Today I look back at what I've accomplished over these past five years. I also think about what I have not accomplished too! I can admit that there are days when I don't even think about the cancer I had; those thoughts used to consume me. My advice to those that let cancer define you is go find something to do unrelated to cancer and make a difference.

Post DMX surgery 6/6/14

The 5-year cancerversary is very significant to survivors. These are milestones for us that are understood and appreciated in an unspoken way that's hard to explain! So today I am grateful for the life I have and ability to look towards hitting my 10 years cancerversary! 

My goal now is to continually share my story and effort to spread awareness of my cancer ……actually, ALL cancers. Be vigilant with your cancer screening! Don't put it off and don't wait until insurance allows you to be screened. It's happening at younger and younger ages and cancer doesn't care how old or young you are. I was diagnosed at 38 years old and found my lump just shy of 2 months after my yearly well women’s exam.  Cancer sucks!

This part is for those who are fighting now. I remember wondering what survivors are doing with their lives and if their lives are ever “normal” again.  My life is not normal but that has nothing to do with the cancer I had! I am the President of several companies that my husband and I operate: these range from an industrial/marine hydraulic company to a wild hog farm! I run the nationwide Dogo Argentino dog rescue and have a dozen dogs of our own that I love with all my heart. I don’t have kids and glad that I am a “childless” woman today. This means I get to devote my time to my dogs and other important people in my life. My life know is overbooked and a bit chaotic with all we have going on, but I can tell you one thing, it is never boring!

Typical pic!!

My heart goes out to anyone fighting this disease right now and to those who share this experience with me. I hope that one day we don’t lose our friends and family to cancer and that all treatment or prevention works. Although I hate cancer with every cell in my body, I do think that surviving it made be a better person and allowed me to genuinely appreciate what life has to offer us.

Pheasant hunting in S. Dakota with dogs!

Hunter, Me, and Moxy (April 2019)

Don't Take Your Boobs For Granted!

Don't take your boobs for granted!  Don't take your partner's boobs for granted either! You may not need them to get through your day but they are pretty important to most women. They aren't exactly a vital organ but once they get removed it almost feels that way! I'll explain what it's like to get them replaced and hopefully it will urge at least one person who reads this to get screened or tell someone they love to get screened.

Never in my life did I think that one day I would have mine removed and replaced with silicone sacks, that definitely didn't cross my mind! It's surreal now, but I do remember having to think about whether or not I want to get rid of them all together or try to keep them and have them carve out the tumor area. Weird stuff to think about, right?! My choice was to go with a double mastectomy because I wanted them to be the same and I didn't want to worry about them trying to kill me again later. 

Saline being injected into expander (rt)

To be honest, the reconstruction process SUCKS, but I think it was worth doing for me! It is uncomfortable and extremely painful having and recovering from multiple surgeries (3 for me). My body looked disfigured and ugly. I didn't recognize my naked self and worried that I will never be able to look in a mirror again. Over the course of several months (5 months for me) they stretched the skin by filling up the expanders with saline until I got to the size I wanted. Yup, I went slightly bigger...might as well make it worth it! Expanders are temporary implants (pic below)  with ports in them so they can stick the ports with saline filled needles and expand them 50-100cc weekly or biweekly. They are uncomfortable and to me it felt like I had cinder block in my chest!

Expander on left, silicone implant, saline implant

Next we try and decide what the heck to do about nipples.  Never thought I would be discussing that with so many people but there I was talking with my surgeon, husband, mom, sister, friends, and everyone else about nipples.  Sometimes they don't take the nipples with mastectomies (they call that nipple sparing) but most of the time they do, it all depends on the tumor location, size, etc. So, they took mine and that was that. Now what? How do you get them back?!  Well, doctors are creative and they take skin from the lower belly bikini line area, cut it into circles and form the skin into makeshift nipples that they put on the new breasts. It's crazy and I had no idea this was going on in the world. Oh, and they give you a tummy tuck while they take the skin too so they can graft that fat into your chest and make these new boobs look a little more real. You have the option not to go through this and skip adding nipples. You could just keep them smooth or even just get tattoos that look like nipples. You can even enhance your new fake nipples and have them tattooed a darker shade so they appear a little more realistic, this is what I did. The options are endless!

Tattoos on the nipples may sound painful.  But guess what? These new breasts have no feeling.....

(OCT 2014) My full expanders a month prior to having
surgery to swap them out for silicone implants! We are at the
5K Making Strides Breast Cancer Walk in Tampa.

nothing, nada, nope! It is weird at first but you get used to this. You know when you get Novocaine at the dentist and you touch your lip and it feels thick?  That is pretty much what numb boobs feel like.  Once I bumped into a guy at a concert with my new big hard fake expander boobs and he turned around and gave me a nasty look, I about died! I didn't feel my boobs knock into him, so embarrassing. He surely thought someone was pushing him I think!  This was when I still had the expanders in and getting them filled with saline and they were hard as rocks, it was actually miserable and very painful towards the end before getting them swapped out for the silicone implants.

But again, these new boobs have no feeling.  My entire chest, sides, and down inside of my arms had no feeling at first but slowly I seem to get a little feeling back in some areas but it will never be 100% normal. Due to having no ability to feel I've had clothes slip down and not know it, don't feel it! To this day they are numb but it's ok because I survived and I can tell my story and hope it helps someone else. 

So that's briefly how boobs are made after cancer takes them from us. Hopefully reading this makes you see that pink ribbons are fun and pretty but in reality breast cancer is not this at all.  No cancer is easy to fight and the ribbons simply serve as a reminder for everyone to be aware and be as proactive as you can to avoid going through treatments and surgeries. 

Please make note to call and schedule your necessary screening for breast cancer, colon cancer, skin cancer, prostate cancer, and any other cancer you can!  If you are someone reading this and going through treatment and trying to decide on what route to take, think about what you want in 3 years. Think about what you want when you are back to "normal" life. Base your decision on what matters to you and go with it. But be sure to interview the surgeons and ask to see their portfolio of reconstruction pictures. If you don't trust your surgeon, get another one! My breast cancer surgeon was Dr. Catherine Lee and my reconstruction breast surgeon was Dr. Deniz Dayicioglu at Moffitt Cancer Center. These women are brilliant and most definitely experts with what they do. If I had to do it all over again, I would pick them to put me back together!

(Nov 2014) First picture I took of
 myself post dbl mastectomy

(July 2015) Four months after finishing all 3
surgeries for breast reconstruction

(June 2018) Me, back to "normal"!

Where Am I Now? 4 Years Later!

I don't blog much these days but today is one of those special anniversaries I like to celebrate! I think sharing my story may give hope to those fighting today and I know what that feeling. I know how it feels to think life totally sucks and there is no end to the depression and pain cancer causes us.  I'm one of the lucky ones that has been able to get my life back and I am grateful for that every morning.....even though I am NOT a morning person and can be a bit short-tempered until I wake up!

Crazy, nonstop, busy, exciting, hectic, fun, rewarding, and stressful.  Those are some terms that explain my life now! I'm officially a 4-year TNBC survivor, and that alone is an accomplishment I'm happy to announce out loud! Four years ago today I was in a 5-hour long double mastectomy surgery getting rid of this disease for good! 

So, what has life been like these past 4 years?!

Now I'm 43 years old and traveling is at the top of my new "To Do" list!  I try to do this as much as possible now that I got a second chance at life. We went to China and Hong Kong with our company, then took a mom and sisters trip to Ireland to experience our roots!  Visited my sister in Seattle and made 8 trips to California for a cancer research study I was in. Been hunting in Texas, S. Dakota, Ohio and just scheduled more hunting trips coming up in Argentina and Italy! My mom and I took our dogs on vacation to a cabin in Ashville, SC and have had several road trips that have been as entertaining as any of the destinations! My husband and I have had a lot of fun traveling and hunting together.  This has really shown me a new level of appreciation for the beauty of nature.

It hasn't been all rainbows and unicorns, but I'm working on it! The first year after treatment was the worst, it sucked. I didn't know my place in my life. I had to figure out my role in our companies, with my friends, and even my marriage.  Everything was different - my emotions were a rollercoaster, my body was different, hot flashes were obnoxious, and parts were missing!  Parts didn't work (thanks chemo menopause!). I was on Cymbalta for nerve pain and help with my mood, but that drug is the devil in disguise! Turned me into a zombie and after over a year on it I weaned off. Eventually, I had my life back and was able to focus and laugh again.

Never thought I'd be off medications to help with pain, anxiety, and sleep, but I am for the most part.  Some of that is due to healing, but I also credit acupuncture, massage, and essential oils for most of this recovery.  The rest is due to putting the pieces back together and learning how to live and not be the victim of cancer. My biggest complaint now are migraines but I can usually mange them now that I have the right specialist that understands.

Today I'm back to running several companies with my husband and recently won an award for Enterprising Women Of the Year for our Marine and Industrial company as President of Lightning Bay Pneu-Draulics.  That's exciting!  Together with my husband we run several companies and have great employees that help keep us successful. Never thought I would have a farm, but we have that too and it's been awesome to watch Shogun Farms develop over the past few years! Funny where life takes you and with the husband I have.....I never know what to expect next!

If you don't know this, I LOVE DOGS!  A few years ago when I was lost and depressed after treatment I got involved with dog rescue and started fostering them. Yes, this just added to my busy schedule, but it’s rewarding. I watch these dogs transform mentally and physically.  So many are beat down and losing hope then with love and proper care they become dogs again! I can relate to what this feels like and I absolutely love how rewarding it feels to see them live their new happy lives! 

Last year I took over as Executive Director for a 501c3, DC Dogos Inc., because of my love for the breed, Dogo Argentino. Not the easiest breed to work with but one of the best! There is a lot of evil in this world but there is a lot of good too; I have fabulous volunteers to prove it!  I have helped a little with cancer related non-profits, but I wanted to re-direct my focus away from cancer to help my healing, I think it worked and surely think that dogs have a way of healing us!

Honestly, life has been good to me. I have my moments, but that is normal. If I had to live it over again I would not change the fact that I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s changed me but has made be who I am. I hate cancer. I hate what it does. Three years ago this Friday it took my best friend of over 30 years. I think what I’ve learned the past few years is to appreciate the little things and make memories.

Thank you for reading & support someone with cancer today!

Cancer Changed Me

Enjoying a beautiful Texas sunset after a great day of turkey hunting

People who have faced a death defying battle seem to have a different outlook on life. At least this is what us cancer survivors share in common but I'm know there are plenty of other experiences that do this to people. I don't think it's a bad thing or a good thing but the possibility of life being cut shorter than expected  does change perspective. I just don't have the energy to let every little misfortune bother me.  We tend to not flip out over things that really don't matter. If we get lost or miss a turn on our way somewhere we tend to accept that as part of the journey getting there! For those that know me know that I'm constantly doing dumb shit: leaving my phone behind, throwing my keys in the garbage, losing shopping bags while I'm still shopping, leaving wet paint out for puppies to trample through and leave paw prints on new carpet, getting on the wrong road in my own hometown (on a regular basis), and driving off while gas nozzle was still in my gas tank! I can honestly admit that I have plenty of dumb ass moments but thankfully I can laugh at myself. However,  most of the time inconveniences in life are beyond our control anyway so getting pissed off isn't going to make it any better.

Don't take this the wrong way and think we just tolerate the nonsense out there, we just don't let our blood boil every time plans or expectations change.  To me, life is too short to be pissed off about not getting the right entree served to me at a restaurant, just ask them to make it right. Think about this, we are fortunate to have that problem! There are people on this planet right now....while you are reading this....who can only focus on hunger. They go to bed hungry and wake up hungry without any means to eat. If you don't believe me try reading Escape From Camp 14 or In Order To Live. No its not your fault, but it is a reality and I can't get upset when a server takes too long to serve me! I am so fortunate and I know that my problems could be so much worse than the fact that something isn't going my way.

I don't think I'm the only one who became more humbled after cancer. Maybe it is that I literally beat death. Maybe it is how my dignity was compromised by not having control of going bald and being weak to cutting off body parts that were are part of me! Maybe it's a combination of things and surely some of it is having survivor's guilt. We have this if we've watched a close friend or family member suffer through the same disease. I even hear military people speak of it when their friend was taken on the battlefield and they feel guilt that it wasn't them instead.  Survivors guilt will make you appreciate how fragile our existence is and how to better appreciate the time we get to be a part of it. I would bet some of you are nodding your head right now just knowing what this feels like and who you are feeling it for.  Its extremely emotional, no doubt in my mind.

So I learned to appreciate the painted beige puppy prints on the new dark brown carpet. For me, this is a reminder of my foster puppies rescued from 2 separate kill shelters now living with families and getting to live and love life! I did try to get most of the paint removed but there are a few prints that just wanted to stay as a memory for now.

My one of a kind rug painted by Callie

This is the foster pup that likes to paint my rug. 

PS...
Coincidentally as I was trying to post this two days ago we nearly missed our connecting flight! Then our plane needed a repair before leaving the gate which set us back so that severe storms halted flights while we were on the runway about to take off! Not a thing we can do but only hope we get home safe, and we did.  My next post will be about this trip and let you know more about me being a subject in a new study to detect cancer reoccurance by blood tests!!! 

Foster pups dug out my herbs...... :/

Foster pup not being naughty...

Super cuteness

More adorable foster pups!!

This cute face wild boy is why I foster :)

Dreams

I think it was the second night after Laura passed when I had a dream with her in it. A few other weird things happened within those first few days but I'll get to that later. In my dream, I was dying and eventually died. I went through some small door opening that was lit brightly and she was there! It was good to see that she was ok and the first thing I wanted to do is look for a dog I had who was named Arlo. Funny thing is that we adopted Arlo along with Selma when the 3 of us lived together in an apartment by USF. But once we all went our separate ways Arlo stayed with me and died in 2009 at 14 years of age. So, Laura and I go to a place where all the dogs live and it was an area full of kennels. But the dogs could come and go as they please. We started calling for Arlo and he showed up! It was awesome but when I woke up all I could do was cry because I miss them both yet it was comforting to see her and Arlo doing just fine. Hopefully they stick together up there!

Arlo at our place in Ohio

You know how unexplainable things happen sometimes and it makes you feel like the person is present? Rich, her husband, actually has a couple really good examples of this and basically it was her presence that let him to decide on laying her to rest at the Gan Shalom Cemetary. He literally lost power to his phone, then his computer shut down as he was trying to find the number to call a different cemetary. This clearly told him she wanted to be at the Jewish Cemetary! The sweetest part of this is that Rich also bought a plot right beside her for himself so one day the kids don't have to worry about what to do when his time is called.

Gates to Gan Shalom Cemetary, beautiful place.

Laura loved to play tricks and her co-workers along with family and friends could all vouch for that! The day after she passed her little sister, Linda, walked into Laura's room and turned on the light then headed to use the master bathroom. As she got to the bathroom the lights went out! ...I probably would have wet my pants if this were me!... Anyway, for some reason a picture frame (That Linda gave to Laura years ago about being sisters and friends) decided to fall off the wall and it hit the light switch. Crazy huh?! Also, my phone was dropping calls and not keeping a charge that first week she was gone. It happened when Rich called me in the middle of the night to tell me she passed. We talked awhile and then all of a sudden our call dropped for no reason! It happened all day and I never have those kinds of issues with my phone! It seems to be working fine now. I think maybe she was playing tricks on me.

Linda, Mike, Karen, & Laura (Reiner siblings)

Strange things happen when someone you love passes away. I don't know if it's actually them visiting us or if it's us reaching for something to help get through what we don't know. I had another dream last night with Laura in it. Sadly I died in this dream too! In both dreams I die the same way and it's from cancer and there is some time in limbo going back and forth between living and dying. I feel scared but once I pass through the lit doorway I feel better. Laura was waiting for me just like the last time. We got separated at one point becasue we were trying to find an auditorium that was doing a dance show, go figure. But we met up again then I don't remember the rest of the dream. At least I was reassured that she's doing ok! It sure does make me miss her even more when this happens but that's ok. 

I am not the most religious person but as I get older and go through more trials and tribulations in life I seem to gain more faith. This is something I plan to discuss in my next blog becasue so many of us struggle with it yet we hope there is something out there. With Laura being gone I REALLY hope she's up there will all our loved ones having the time of her life eating Mexican food and running around in sleepy pants with a camera around her neck. Oh, and I hope she is singing for everyone too! If you don't believe in anything, where does it mean when someone dies - is that the all time end? I doubt it. I hope not. 

The family is traveling and collecting rocks to bring back for Laura. It's a Jewish tradition to place rocks on their resting place and Laura loved to travel so they are doing this for her. She's missing from this picture but makes me wonder if she's right there with them....

Laura's GoFund me site

Laura Our Superhero

It's late, going on 3AM, and I'm still awake with my mind racing. It's been almost 3 weeks since Laura passed away and each day actually seems to get harder. One of my last blogs was about Laura and was titled "When Your Bestie Has Cancer Too" . A post to refer to for those of you reading this that may not know me personally. Words can't even express how amazing she was and how much she is missed by all that had the privledge to know her.

Us flying to Seattle - May 2015

I've wanted to write about this but just can't figure out where to start. Just over a month ago Laura and I ventured off to Seattle to seek treatment since there was nothing they could do here at home. She wasn't doing well when we left but she was determined to try more treatment so she could watch her kids grow up and make memories with her family. While in Seattle we met an MD and ND (Naturopath Doctor) that had a plan for her and it really sounded hopeful. She wanted to see Noah graduate 8th grade and be there for Tatum's 12th birthday and dance recitals so I booked round trip tickets for us to fly to Tampa then back to Seattle a week later to get started with treatment. But things quickly changed and her body had enough and she passed the day we were supposed to fly back to Seattle. She was able to make it to Noah's graduation and through Tatum's birthday and dance recitals becuase of her will to fight and hang on for her kids. Laura peacefully left us within hours after Tatum finished her last recital.


Laura didn't "Lose Her Fight To Cancer".  I hate that expression.  As a fighter myself I understand now that if we pass that we didn't lose.  Cancer doesn't fight fair to begin with so it's not right to say cancer won, which is essentially what you are saying with that statement. Cancer surely didn't win with her because Laura fought hard, harder than anyone I know. She never gave up. Her husband said it perfectly when he read her eulogy when he said, "I think that at the last moment she decided to pass because she knew that that single act would ensure the cancers death, with hers, and she felt she had taught us enough to continue on without her in this physical plane where we exist."


As I try to get through my days I often remind myself to try to be as strong as Laura......but that is much easier said than done. She was a major part of my life and a major part of who I am today, and for that I am grateful. But grieving is hard and there is no right or wrong way to go about it.  There is no way to make it easier as far as I know. I'll be honest and say I am a mess right now. It's difficult to accomplish anything, which includes getting out of bed. I can't focus on anything that requires thought. I feel like a complete loser and feel like I should be able to be stronger than this, but I'm not. There are times when I feel like a sandbag where I just can't move and my mental capacity is that of sand. Yes I think about the good memories but that doesn't take away the fact that she's gone and new memories cannot be made. 


Most people don't talk about mental health because it's too embarrassing. But we all have problems and we can all use some help sometimes. So that's exactly what I did, I got some help. And yes I do need to take anxiety meds at times because the emotions are more than I can control! But I also called my therapist at Moffitt and was able to help myself understand what I am going through. It seems ridiculous that we need another person to figure this out but it's the truth! This is sort of a lie,  I actually didn't make the call, they called me.  I saw my oncologist around the same time for a follow up and she saw right through me and told me she was concerned and put in a request for an appointment for me. 


So I learned that it's ok to be upset and grieve. It's ok to get angry, to cry, and to be alone. Basically it's a type of depression and time should heal this state of mind that I'm in. Sometimes this takes weeks but in some cases it takes months, years. She told me it's ok to take time for myself and allow myself to be upset and grieve so that some day I can heal from this. I was told that not only did I lose my life long best friend, but that I watched her life end from cancer and it was cruel and traumatic. And apparently cancer survivors have a really hard time with this because we share that same disease and we tend to feel some level of fear and also survivor's guilt. All this is true for me but I also have guilt that I didn't do enough. I don't know what else I could have done but there is probably something else at some point we could have explored so that she would still be here today.

I plan to blog and be open about this emotional pain.  I am 100% sure that I'm not the only one battling this and trying to get through each day. For some reason it's comforting to hear someone discuss things that most people don't talk about openly. Laura touched so many lives and so many of us are hurting right now but at least she is no longer hurting or suffering. At least now she is at peace and watching over us. 



Below are two links to stories that were published in the local newspaper about Laura:

Laura Hauser inspired others during her cancer battle

Hundreds turn out to remember Laura Hauser

Here is a link to the GoFund me site that I set up for the Hauser's. It clearly shows the amount of love and support for Laura and the family by the amount of money raised!

Laura's GoFund me site

Always ready with a camera and her smile, RIP Laura - you are loved and missed.