My Happy 5-Year Cancerversary!

Me and David learning how to make glass in
Murano, Italy - November, 2018

Today is what I consider my five-year cancerversary, this means my body was rid of Triple Negative Breast Cancer (aka TNBC) five years ago today!! Some people use their diagnosis date, some people use their last chemo day, but I use my double mastectomy date because that's when it was gone! Every time I started to write something to start this blog post my eyes get watery with happiness and sadness all at the same time.

Today is a good day and I remember 5 years seeming like the impossible back when I was going through treatment and surgeries. I remember thinking I might not make it to this day, and I remember thinking that God only knows what I'll even look like!  I was so weak 5 years ago and could not imagine being healthy again. Today was the day I walked into the hospital to get my breasts removed and start reconstruction for new ones. For a woman, this is a strange feeling.  This is part of why I get a little emotional too, that was so intense for me, my family, and my friends. There are so many unknowns facing something like that and it's scary to say the least. I put my trust in my doctors at Moffitt and they didn’t disappoint me one bit!

Walking in for my double mastectomy
w/ reconstruction surgery 6/6/14

TNBC is very aggressive and of all the breast cancers to get, it's probably the one you would prefer not to have. But research is improving and it's getting more exposure and people like me are surviving, however not everyone is that fortunate and I think this is part of what makes my eyes tear up too. I think survivors of all kinds have Survivor’s Guilt. I’ve learned that it's OK to feel this way and I realize that we all have a purpose on this planet no matter how much time we get, so do something good in their memory.

Today I look back at what I've accomplished over these past five years. I also think about what I have not accomplished too! I can admit that there are days when I don't even think about the cancer I had; those thoughts used to consume me. My advice to those that let cancer define you is go find something to do unrelated to cancer and make a difference.

Post DMX surgery 6/6/14

The 5-year cancerversary is very significant to survivors. These are milestones for us that are understood and appreciated in an unspoken way that's hard to explain! So today I am grateful for the life I have and ability to look towards hitting my 10 years cancerversary! 

My goal now is to continually share my story and effort to spread awareness of my cancer ……actually, ALL cancers. Be vigilant with your cancer screening! Don't put it off and don't wait until insurance allows you to be screened. It's happening at younger and younger ages and cancer doesn't care how old or young you are. I was diagnosed at 38 years old and found my lump just shy of 2 months after my yearly well women’s exam.  Cancer sucks!

This part is for those who are fighting now. I remember wondering what survivors are doing with their lives and if their lives are ever “normal” again.  My life is not normal but that has nothing to do with the cancer I had! I am the President of several companies that my husband and I operate: these range from an industrial/marine hydraulic company to a wild hog farm! I run the nationwide Dogo Argentino dog rescue and have a dozen dogs of our own that I love with all my heart. I don’t have kids and glad that I am a “childless” woman today. This means I get to devote my time to my dogs and other important people in my life. My life know is overbooked and a bit chaotic with all we have going on, but I can tell you one thing, it is never boring!

Typical pic!!

My heart goes out to anyone fighting this disease right now and to those who share this experience with me. I hope that one day we don’t lose our friends and family to cancer and that all treatment or prevention works. Although I hate cancer with every cell in my body, I do think that surviving it made be a better person and allowed me to genuinely appreciate what life has to offer us.

Pheasant hunting in S. Dakota with dogs!

Hunter, Me, and Moxy (April 2019)

Cancer Changed Me

Enjoying a beautiful Texas sunset after a great day of turkey hunting

People who have faced a death defying battle seem to have a different outlook on life. At least this is what us cancer survivors share in common but I'm know there are plenty of other experiences that do this to people. I don't think it's a bad thing or a good thing but the possibility of life being cut shorter than expected  does change perspective. I just don't have the energy to let every little misfortune bother me.  We tend to not flip out over things that really don't matter. If we get lost or miss a turn on our way somewhere we tend to accept that as part of the journey getting there! For those that know me know that I'm constantly doing dumb shit: leaving my phone behind, throwing my keys in the garbage, losing shopping bags while I'm still shopping, leaving wet paint out for puppies to trample through and leave paw prints on new carpet, getting on the wrong road in my own hometown (on a regular basis), and driving off while gas nozzle was still in my gas tank! I can honestly admit that I have plenty of dumb ass moments but thankfully I can laugh at myself. However,  most of the time inconveniences in life are beyond our control anyway so getting pissed off isn't going to make it any better.

Don't take this the wrong way and think we just tolerate the nonsense out there, we just don't let our blood boil every time plans or expectations change.  To me, life is too short to be pissed off about not getting the right entree served to me at a restaurant, just ask them to make it right. Think about this, we are fortunate to have that problem! There are people on this planet right now....while you are reading this....who can only focus on hunger. They go to bed hungry and wake up hungry without any means to eat. If you don't believe me try reading Escape From Camp 14 or In Order To Live. No its not your fault, but it is a reality and I can't get upset when a server takes too long to serve me! I am so fortunate and I know that my problems could be so much worse than the fact that something isn't going my way.

I don't think I'm the only one who became more humbled after cancer. Maybe it is that I literally beat death. Maybe it is how my dignity was compromised by not having control of going bald and being weak to cutting off body parts that were are part of me! Maybe it's a combination of things and surely some of it is having survivor's guilt. We have this if we've watched a close friend or family member suffer through the same disease. I even hear military people speak of it when their friend was taken on the battlefield and they feel guilt that it wasn't them instead.  Survivors guilt will make you appreciate how fragile our existence is and how to better appreciate the time we get to be a part of it. I would bet some of you are nodding your head right now just knowing what this feels like and who you are feeling it for.  Its extremely emotional, no doubt in my mind.

So I learned to appreciate the painted beige puppy prints on the new dark brown carpet. For me, this is a reminder of my foster puppies rescued from 2 separate kill shelters now living with families and getting to live and love life! I did try to get most of the paint removed but there are a few prints that just wanted to stay as a memory for now.

My one of a kind rug painted by Callie

This is the foster pup that likes to paint my rug. 

PS...
Coincidentally as I was trying to post this two days ago we nearly missed our connecting flight! Then our plane needed a repair before leaving the gate which set us back so that severe storms halted flights while we were on the runway about to take off! Not a thing we can do but only hope we get home safe, and we did.  My next post will be about this trip and let you know more about me being a subject in a new study to detect cancer reoccurance by blood tests!!! 

Foster pups dug out my herbs...... :/

Foster pup not being naughty...

Super cuteness

More adorable foster pups!!

This cute face wild boy is why I foster :)

How To Love A Cancer Patient

Me on my 39th Birthday

Being a fighter is the only option and it's something that I feel is instinct to me. It's how I was raised and thankfully I found a husband that shares this same philosophy.  That doesn't mean it's easy and it doesn't mean that sometimes you just want to scream!

I feel so vulnerable and weak compared to my normal self and find it ironic when people comment on how strong I am through all this. I feel anything but strong and constantly think about how I can handle it better. My purpose of this post is to share some of the emotional challenges we face day to day.  And by using "we" I mean anyone who has gone through this emotional roller coaster caused by cancer. I want those who haven't gone through chemo to get a better understanding of what is really going on. Hopefully in doing this, you won't get offended or upset when someone you love bites your head off over something they would normally brush off or turn into a joke. I'm sure I make comments that would upset or offend at times....but I don't mean any harm!

The Challenge of Eating

Chemo changed my appetite and tastes of foods and drinks. This is frustrating because I know eating is important yet it sucked to eat! An example would be when my sister made dinner over the weekend. I gave her a crockpot chicken taco recipe and she went with it.  We got home, the house smelled like dinner, and I was looking forward to eating.  Then I tried to eat it.......and all I could think was that it tasted like catfood. Not that I ever ate catfood but I'm sure this is what it was like! Luckily she has thick skin and I don't think she was offended but I was just trying to describe what it was like to me. My taste buds were shot, I mean totally shot this time. I taste nothing and so it's hard to eat anything at this point. I'm sure dinner was great but I couldn't enjoy it and that is a bit frustrating to me. On top of the fact that I WAS HUNGRY and really can't put anything down! So, I tried chocolate ice cream and that was really gross.  Anyone who knows me also knows that I love chocolate so now we can confirm that I'm not making this stuff up! So if you know someone going through this and they make comments that may upset you about your food, just think of the entire picture of what is going on and it will make more sense.

Chemo Brain!

Keep in mind that a chemo patient is not only dealing with the ticking time bomb inside their body.....they are dealing with all the side effects of chemo and the drugs.  We may look ok on the outside but on the inside we don't feel 100%...EVER! We often don't make sense when we respond to your question or comment but it's probably because we are not processing it correctly with so much going on. I thought it was hard to remember things before, but now I can't remember anything! I recently lost my keys for 4 days and finally remembered they may have been left at the pharmacy.....and they were. My short term memory is only working part time these days.  This can be frustrating for others since they have to always remind me of recent events. Chemo Brain is FOR REAL! It makes us have weird interpretations of the simplest conversation and then this miscommunication may turn into an argument. Trust me, if that happens just drop the subject because there is no resolution to this. There will be another time to talk about it when the chemo brain is thinking more rationally!

Who Am I?

We are going to be a different person from what you are used to and this is caused by a lot of different factors. The chemo has side effects....a BUNCH of them! It does things to the body that are just awful. I feel like chemo should be used as a form of punishment over jail time, for real! I am pretty sure that if they said you do 8 rounds of chemo or some jail time that I would be incarcerated! Then we take more drugs along with the chemo such as steroids, pain meds, anxiety meds, nausea meds, and meds to help with the side effects of these meds.......no joke. In addition to all of this, the GI tract now has regularity issues so you have to take meds for that and then more meds for indigestion. I think the reason we get chemo brain forgetfulness is because we are always trying to figure out what meds to take at what time. Then when you need to leave the house you need to try and remember everything you need to take with you along like meds, lotion, Blistex, cuticle oil, eye drops, vasoline (great for nose dryness), etc. So we have a lot going on and it's something to consider when you know someone going through this. A moment doesn't go by when I'm not thinking about something related to my cancer. I  know already that I'm not the person I used to be and who knows what I'll be like after this is over. This is a life changer so don't be surprised if someone you know changes a little during or after cancer treatment. I got a card from my friend's little girls that said "If things didn't change then we wouldn't have butterflies", and that certainly says it all right there.

Having a Hot Flash:

I forgot to mention that some of us end up going through menopause as well. Although men don't go through menopause per say, I would think they may go through something similar as the chemo destroys cells in their body too. This definitely makes the hormones go whacky and cause some serious mood swings. You become a monster and when it happens to me I just get mad at myself for not having the control to stop myself from being a jerk! It's frustrating to be comfortable one moment and a minute later I feel like a turkey in an oven. This is why I like to keep my A/C low at all times.  That way I can adjust my temperature imbalances by throwing off blankets and taking my clothes off!

Can't Make Decisions

Another frustrating thing that happens is I become very indecisive at times. I may go through a few outfits or shoes before I can get dressed.  Then after I get in the car I am uncomfortable so I go back inside and change again! My skin gets sensitive and some clothes or jewelry that is normally fine to wear is not a good choice another day. It's already hard to get through a day and concentrate but if you're uncomfortable now that's another reason to become irritable! This indecisiveness may go along with Chemo Brain but I know it drives my husband nuts, however I just can't help it and I'm sure this isn't just me that gets this way.

Feeling lonely

Everyone I talk to that has gone through this agrees that sometimes the emotional rollercoaster is as tough as the side effects. Although so many have gone through this I still feel alone a lot of the time. Many times I prefer to be alone so I don't have to hear about issues or negativity. It took some time for me to get used to this feeling but I've come to accept it. I enjoy being around friends and family but there are times when I enjoy time alone too. Having cancer and fighting through chemo has taught me not to stress about things that don't matter. With that being said, sometimes it's hard for me to listen to someone gripe about something that can easily be handled without any stress or negativity.

Overwhelmed

I've talked to many others that have this feeling of being emotionally overwhelmed. Normally I was overwhelmed with the amount of work on my desk but now it's just a feeling that has the ability to control me. Inside I'll feel confused with emotions and then one little thing will set me off to start crying. Other times this feeling has caused me to have an anxiety attack which actually feels like a heart attack. This is something I still don't know how to handle but I try my best to keep myself together. When I feel this coming on I will let those around me know that I am overwhelmed with the situation because I just can't handle it! I'm honest about it and I will let them know if it continues I will say something I may regret. Removing myself from a situation that is causing anxiety has helped and it's something I think other patients experience.


These are just a few things I thought I would share.  Hopefully it helps give a better understanding of what we have going on emotionally. I was never an anxious person and this diagnosis changed that. From the moment I felt the lump 4 months ago my anxiety level started rising. This disease becomes a full time job on top your already established life and it's a test of your strength. I know this has changed me and hopefully in some ways it's for the better.

Anonymous, found on Pinterest

Round #2 AC Done and I'm Bald Now

This is us doing the surfer girl cut!

This was a true reality week for me! On Sunday, which was day 11 after my first chemo, my hair started thinning out while I was blowing it dry. I felt a tingle all over my head and then it got to be sore.  It felt like when you wear a pony tail too tight then take it down and every hair follicle is going the wrong way!  It was annoying so by Monday night I was ready to hack it off.  BUT, Dave wanted to video it on the GoPro and he didn't have it so we postponed the ordeal until Tuesday after my 2nd round of chemo. We had some fun with it.  He gave me a surfer cut, then a mohawk then not sure what it turned into.  Finally, it was gone and I officially have a shaved head and it's a WEIRD feeling to not have hair hanging off your head. I went to take a shower and still thought to myself "do I need to clip it up or am I washing my hair?". Duh, there is no hair to clip but I often do this when I don't wash my hair. Then I always lay out 2 towels, one for my hair and one for my body.....well I don't need one to wrap my hair up anymore and boy was that strange! But I'm getting used to it now and I am a little relieved that I don't have to DO my hair.  Now, I just figure out what I can do to accessorize my head. I often go with the GI Pamela look at home but it's a bit chilly so I haven't sported the look in public just yet but I will. I went to the grocery store with my head wrap on and got some looks from people, curious to know what they may be thinking.

First ever picture of my bald head.

I got this beautiful head wrap from Good Wishes Scarves....at no cost! :)  



 I thought I would be more traumatized by this experience but I am ok with it for the most part. I did tear up after we were done because the reality is that I now look like a cancer patient to anyone that sees me. I have a feeling this is more of a shock to my family and friends than it is to me. I think it really puts the reality stamp on it and what I'm going through. To be honest, I wish that the ONLY side effect was hair loss! It's all the other side effects that really suck.

Going back to earlier in the day before we shaved my head. I had such a nice surprise before my infusion appointment. Three amazing friends came by to surprise me in custom shirts made for me! The front says "Team Pamela" and the back says "Fuck Cancer"! I love it!! Then, I just found out they had some made for our friends out in Texas and included the cutest little girls of theirs....this has made my day! Check them out in this picture!!!  I sure have some of the best support out there and it makes dealing with this madness a lot easier.


Some of my supporters out there helping me keep my chin up through all this!

One thing I have to work on is my husband's addiction to technology!  Our businesses never let us breathe and it's hard to be away from the office even for an hour, let alone an entire day! He tries to juggle all of this and I wish it were easier for both of us right now but we have to keep plugging along because this is what we do! I don't know how he keeps up with it all and now trying to keep up with all that I have going on. But somehow he does, he's amazing and I'm a lucky gal!

 



On Day 1 after chemo my bestie, Selma, from Orlando came over with 2 trays of her famous lasagna. She also brought some of the best mini gourmet cupcakes which totally hit the spot along with a beautiful custom necklace from Origami Owl! It's hard to keep up with all the gifts I have received and I plan on getting my official "thank yous" out soon! I even got a beautiful handmade quilt this week from my dear friend, Antonella, that was made by a cancer survivor herself so it means A LOT!

Overall this round of chemo has been a little nicer to me.  I am EXHAUSTED but feel better than I did after round 1.  I prepared myself a little better this go around and made sure I had the right foods available such as fruits, crackers, and soups. I went to work the day after chemo but then was too fatigued to make it in on Thursday. I decided not to drive the days following chemo because I just don't think it's safe and I would hate to be the cause of an accident on top of all this! I am at work today and trying to get "caught up" but you know how that is nearly impossible even when you are at work all the time!


One thing different is that I have developed these little red dots on my hands and feet. I called my doctor about it but they don't seem to be getting worse so I'll just keep an eye on it for now. I don't remember this happening last time. They think it's an allergic reaction but I heard from my cousin that it is caused by leaky capillaries and low platelets which also makes a lot of sense considering the toxins they pump into me!



Well my mom brought to my attention that I am 1/4 of the way done with the chemo part of this journey and that is a great thing! Just 2 more rounds of this tough chemo then I move on to Taxol which is known to be "easier", yay! So here we are after leaving my 2nd round and waiting for the car in valet.  Gotta love that you get valet parking at the hospital. It's a nice perk to not have to find your car in some parking lot when you're good and ready to get outta there!