It's late, going on 3AM, and I'm still awake with my mind racing. It's been almost 3 weeks since Laura passed away and each day actually seems to get harder. One of my last blogs was about Laura and was titled "When Your Bestie Has Cancer Too" . A post to refer to for those of you reading this that may not know me personally. Words can't even express how amazing she was and how much she is missed by all that had the privledge to know her.

Us flying to Seattle - May 2015

I've wanted to write about this but just can't figure out where to start. Just over a month ago Laura and I ventured off to Seattle to seek treatment since there was nothing they could do here at home. She wasn't doing well when we left but she was determined to try more treatment so she could watch her kids grow up and make memories with her family. While in Seattle we met an MD and ND (Naturopath Doctor) that had a plan for her and it really sounded hopeful. She wanted to see Noah graduate 8th grade and be there for Tatum's 12th birthday and dance recitals so I booked round trip tickets for us to fly to Tampa then back to Seattle a week later to get started with treatment. But things quickly changed and her body had enough and she passed the day we were supposed to fly back to Seattle. She was able to make it to Noah's graduation and through Tatum's birthday and dance recitals becuase of her will to fight and hang on for her kids. Laura peacefully left us within hours after Tatum finished her last recital.

Laura didn't "Lose Her Fight To Cancer". I hate that expression. As a fighter myself I understand now that if we pass that we didn't lose. Cancer doesn't fight fair to begin with so it's not right to say cancer won, which is essentially what you are saying with that statement. Cancer surely didn't win with her because Laura fought hard, harder than anyone I know. She never gave up. Her husband said it perfectly when he read her eulogy when he said, "I think that at the last moment she decided to pass because she knew that that single act would ensure the cancers death, with hers, and she felt she had taught us enough to continue on without her in this physical plane where we exist."

As I try to get through my days I often remind myself to try to be as strong as Laura......but that is much easier said than done. She was a major part of my life and a major part of who I am today, and for that I am grateful. But grieving is hard and there is no right or wrong way to go about it. There is no way to make it easier as far as I know. I'll be honest and say I am a mess right now. It's difficult to accomplish anything, which includes getting out of bed. I can't focus on anything that requires thought. I feel like a complete loser and feel like I should be able to be stronger than this, but I'm not. There are times when I feel like a sandbag where I just can't move and my mental capacity is that of sand. Yes I think about the good memories but that doesn't take away the fact that she's gone and new memories cannot be made.

Most people don't talk about mental health because it's too embarrassing. But we all have problems and we can all use some help sometimes. So that's exactly what I did, I got some help. And yes I do need to take anxiety meds at times because the emotions are more than I can control! But I also called my therapist at Moffitt and was able to help myself understand what I am going through. It seems ridiculous that we need another person to figure this out but it's the truth! This is sort of a lie, I actually didn't make the call, they called me. I saw my oncologist around the same time for a follow up and she saw right through me and told me she was concerned and put in a request for an appointment for me.

So I learned that it's ok to be upset and grieve. It's ok to get angry, to cry, and to be alone. Basically it's a type of depression and time should heal this state of mind that I'm in. Sometimes this takes weeks but in some cases it takes months, years. She told me it's ok to take time for myself and allow myself to be upset and grieve so that some day I can heal from this. I was told that not only did I lose my life long best friend, but that I watched her life end from cancer and it was cruel and traumatic. And apparently cancer survivors have a really hard time with this because we share that same disease and we tend to feel some level of fear and also survivor's guilt. All this is true for me but I also have guilt that I didn't do enough. I don't know what else I could have done but there is probably something else at some point we could have explored so that she would still be here today.

I plan to blog and be open about this emotional pain. I am 100% sure that I'm not the only one battling this and trying to get through each day. For some reason it's comforting to hear someone discuss things that most people don't talk about openly. Laura touched so many lives and so many of us are hurting right now but at least she is no longer hurting or suffering. At least now she is at peace and watching over us.

Below are two links to stories that were published in the local newspaper about Laura:

Laura Hauser inspired others during her cancer battle

Hundreds turn out to remember Laura Hauser

Here is a link to the GoFund me site that I set up for the Hauser's. It clearly shows the amount of love and support for Laura and the family by the amount of money raised!

Laura's GoFund me site