Bah Humbug???

OK so it's December and we are in the middle of the holidays.....Bah Humbug right? As a kid we can't wait for this time of year and as an adult sometimes we can't wait for it to end! Well I have a different outlook on it now and every holiday is a gift..... that includes birthdays and anniversaries. In the past I can remember this time of year being a hassle dealing with all the shopping, events, traffic, people, family, food, deserts, drinks, hangovers, more food, and more drinks! We all complain about the crappy eating habits and weight gain then start the new year off at the gym! I know....every year we do the same thing and bitch about the same thing but this year is different for me. Don't get me wrong, I will still bitch and complain but I also have a new appreciation!
 


Happy 40th to my bestie!!

Tonight I went to celebrate my beastie's 40th birthday!!! This girl is a true cancer warrior and started chemo again yesterday....I think this is about her 61st round of chemo over the past 5+ years.  She is a stage IV colon cancer fighter and I credit her for giving me the strength and inspiration to "Keep Calm and Fight On"! Again, holidays and birthdays have a whole new meaning to me now and I want to be sure to celebrate all of them. It's sad that it takes an illness to make us realize how important these times really are.
You know what else I've learned through all this? .....have more patience with people!  We get so wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of getting somewhere, shopping, eating, running errands, blah, blah, blah. We get pissed off when someone takes "our" parking spot or when someone cuts us off then makes us miss the green light.  But does it really matter? No. We're all trying to do the same things during this holiday season and we all get frustrated with each other and it ruins the spirit behind Christmas. I still have to stop and remind myself sometimes to just brush it off when someone does something stupid while driving or walking. I say walking because people have their faces in their phones texting and now you need to watch out for them too! It really does seem like people are floating around aimlessly these days but we need to just laugh about it. I'm sure I've been that person looking like an idiot myself.

My Hunter volunteering as Pet Therapy dog @ Moffitt

Again, I'm just grateful to be alive and well this Christmas. I need to not stress about the little things because we have enough stress as it is. We all need to find a way to give back and consider those who are less fortunate or those that are facing the holidays without their loved ones. Reach out to people you know that have lost their wife, mother, child, friend, grandparent, etc. Let them know you are thinking about them by sending a card, text, message, or making a phone call. Reach out to people that are less fortunate and donate a few toys or some food to a local charity. I know that I can't do a lot but I can contribute a little. If we all do at least that then we are doing something. I can't bring back a loved one but I can make sure to reach out to those that need to know they are still in my thoughts.

Life is great but life is mean too.  It's been a tough year and I'll need to blog about a "Year in Review" to recap the "highlights" over the past 12 months! Right now I'm trying to focus on being a better person, wife, friend, daughter, sister, etc. I'm trying to enjoy life and not take the holidays for granted. This is so easy to do and we all get wrapped up in the monotony of the holiday madness! I think the purpose of this blog post is to remind us to take a step back and find ways to make this time of year meaningful. Find ways to make it mean something with your loved ones and ways to give back to those that need you!!

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A CURE!







It's Been a Year!

To be honest I haven't posted lately because I don't even know where to start since it's been so long! It was never my intention to take months off from blogging but now that I'm back to the daily life routine I've put writing aside, not good. I have had so much going on the last few months I want to share so this will take a few posts!

Me and my Hubby in Nov 2014

To start off....I'm doing great!  I did a couple talks at the Great American Teach In this past week and I realized while standing in front of these classes how far I've come from just 6 months ago. When I look back at all the pictures over the past year it's like a total metamorphosis.  I need to write a blog to show the changes that happened each month. It's truly amazing how much the body can go through and then prevail.

Me and Moxy in May 2014

It's been just 10 days since I was in surgery to swap out the tissue expanders for my silicone implants. The surgery was a breeze compared to the last one (double mastectomy with tissue expanders). One bonus to have a DMX is that you don't have any feeling and so I don't feel the wounds healing. I do feel the aches and pains that are deep but I didn't feel the skin stretching or the wounds healing. It took about 3-4 days to rest but then I started back at work the best I could. I think the main set back was the after surgery fatigue. But overall, the recovery has not been too bad. Also, it doesn't feel like I have a board in my chest anymore. These implants are so much more comfortable. Huge Difference!!! They feel like soft water balloons rather than tupperware containers now, which is a little more natural. Not to mention they are a bit lower and not directly under my chin anymore. 

Hunter and me dressed as cops for Halloween!!!

I definitely try to keep myself busy. Since my last post I did two 5K races......I'm not gonna lie, I walked. BUT it felt great to be able to finish the races and I can't wait to do some more. I've also finished classes and certification for my dog, Hunter, to be a Pet Therapy dog. It was a 5 week commitment and he's now on the road to help make others heal through hugs and happiness. You can actually follow him on his Facebook page, https://www.facebook.com/HunterArloFay, and soon he'll have his own charity so stay tuned! He starts work on Wednesdays at Moffitt along with some other fun upcoming assignments.

Mom & me at the Bucs game with friends

I've spent a lot of time out and about doing things I love to do. I get to spend times with friends and family and it means more to me now than ever. My husband and I make more of an effort to have date nights in our busy schedule and I absolutely love it!  All this stuff I sorta took for granted before is now something I really appreciate.

So much has happened over the past year of my life.  Yesterday was the One Year anniversary of the day I actually felt my lump. I was laying on the couch and felt something odd but thought it was just a bruise from my dogs always standing on me. At 38 years old having cancer was not in my daily agenda but it happened and I handled it with the help of my husband, friends, and family. With that said, make sure you check your ta ta's once a month so you know when something doesn't feel right!

Now I'm working on getting back to life. This means trying to get back to normal and not dwell on the fact that I had cancer and that cancer may return. That is not an easy thing to do and those that have faced this can totally understand. Moving forward I am going to live me life the healthiest way I can and keep on top of my follow up appointments and screenings. IF something shows up then we will deal with it.  But I have to live my life in the mean time and not sit around worrying about getting cancer again because that will get me nowhere! This is one of those things that are easier said than done so it will take some work but I'm getting there!

Me and mom at the BC American Cancer Society 5K

Honored w/ other brave survivors at the Bucs 5K Treasure Chest run.

Finally! Waited so long to be able to shoot some clays again!

The Body IS Amazing

Exactly 3 months ago today I was being discharged from the hospital after undergoing a double mastectomy with the start of reconstruction. At the time, I felt like there was a cinder block sitting on my chest and I could barely move my arms. I remember feeling like it would be forever until I felt good again! Keep in mind, the surgery was just 5 weeks after finishing chemo that destroys every cell you have (except the fat cells, apparently those cells stick around!).

Over the past month I've tried to make more of an effort to exercise and it's harder than I thought it would be! Looking back I regret not being in better shape before going through all of this. Between the stress of life and work I just didn't focus on staying in good shape. I can't sit here and be upset about it now because I just need to move forward and get healthy again. After walking or doing anything strenuous I pay for it later and it frustrates me. But tonight I took a moment to reflect that it was JUST 3 MONTHS AGO that I was walking out of the hospital after major surgery. I look at these pictures of me below and can't believe it's even me. My body has gone through so many changes since then that it is truly amazing how our bodies bounce back.

I don't remember taking this picture above because I was doped up at the time but this is probably one of the first glamour shots after my surgery. Then I got to wear this fancy velcro halter top for the next few weeks. Notice I don't have any eyebrows or hair yet either.....oh yea and my boobs are gone too!

Just  barely 4 weeks after the above pictures my sister and I decided to join a good friend of mine and take a trip to Nashville for the 4th of July. I wasn't in the best of shape but I was able to go and have a great time! I finally wore the wig I spend a ton of money on but quickly found out how hot they are so it's been put away ever since! Right about this same time you'll see my eyebrows are actually starting so show, along with some eyelashes. This happened just 3 months after finishing chemo.  Also at this point I had a little bit of hair, basically a GI Jane buzz cut again except that the coloring seems a little lighter than it was.

 I forgot to mention that at 4 weeks post surgery I started gentle yoga. I thought it would be easy for me because I've done yoga plenty of times in my life....but it was hard! I went to that same class this past week and I can see a huge difference in flexibility and strength so I am glad it's something I decided to do. The only downfall is that I let my mind race during yoga and I need to stop that. Defeats the purpose!

Towards the end of August we took a last minute trip to Key West for work. I decided to tag along on this trip and glad I did because that place is therapeutic to me. At this point in my reconstruction process I've had 300cc of saline injected and I'm starting to feel better. One thing I've learned from all of this is to take advantage of days when you feel good!

Cabin mates!!!!

This brings me to just a week ago when I had the opportunity to be a camper at Faces of Courage. Now this was FUN! My bestie Laura has been a camper for the past few years along with another friend Stephanie. Those two were diagnosed with colon cancer about a month apart back in 2009 (crazy, huh?).

Steph, Me, and Laura

At camp I was able to do some archery which was surprising to me. I didn't think that would be something I could do just yet. I also tried kayaking for the first time and stayed above water. I've canoed a ton of times but never tried a kayak and glad I did. Then we did some water zumba for an hour and that was a great workout. After being out and about all day at camp we had a "Little Hats" themed dance and that explains our look in the pictures here! It was a lot of fun and I plan on doing it again next year if they'll let me come back!

Me trying out for Hunger Games

The week prior to camp I signed up for a membership at the gym. I even got a personal trainer so that I actually go and make progress. I know how to work out and all that goes with it but I need some accountability! Plus the trainer I have is recovering from an accident and can relate to body pain and weakness. So far I've made it to the gym two weeks in a row and I do not plan on quitting yet. NOT after I saw my weight on Tuesday, geez!! I credit the weight gain to lack of activity but most of all to menopause and Lyrica. I've decided to ween off Lyrica (with my doctor's help) and just deal with the neuropathy like a big girl. I'm hoping that being active will help with the pain and definitely help with getting back in shape!

Next on my agenda is to start Piano Lessons in a few more days. I've never had a real lesson and I am looking forward to it. I also started back with Dock Diving lessons for my lab and he's so happy about that. Next week I start therapy training classes with him so he can go put smiles on faces that truly need it to heal.

So, as I was leaving the gym tonight I just thought about how just 3 months ago today I was starting my recovery. I thought about how every last cell in the body can be damaged but with time and effort it can bounce back. I don't know where I am with recovery, maybe 40-45%....maybe more than that. I just know that I'm better off than I was 3 months ago and that's something to smile about. Three months ago I couldn't even open a door and today I don't even worry about opening doors. However, don't think for a second I won't be complaining about pain tonight or bitching about hot flashes because that all still happens! If you don't believe me you can ask my husband, I'm sure he'd love to tell ya!

Thanks for reading and I hope this enlightened those going through treatment that better days will come. It doesn't seem like it at the time but really does get better. Some days are better than others still today; but for the most part life is pretty darn good.

There I am in a kayak back there; Steph and Laura in the canoe

Taxol Treatment (Video Blogs) and Finishing a 5K Afterwards!

Walking a 5K after my last round of chemo, so HAPPY in this moment.

It didn't occur to me until I was halfway through treatment to actually video myself. I got the idea from doing some google searches myself and seeing a video blog of a brave woman fighting breast cancer. In retrospect, I wish recording video blogs was a part of my documentation because it really shows the emotions and pains in a way that I cannot put into words.

Until now I haven't really watched these videos (hard to believe it's even me.... it makes me emotional!). Those 4 months seem to be a blur and I am proud of myself for making it through. It truly is a fight like no other. Watching these videos made me see what it put my body through physically and emotionally. I want to share them so that others going through this will see that it is OK to feel down and beat up because eventually you will be done with treatment. My BC sisters always reminded me that "it's temporary" and that helped me get through the hard times.

Keep in mind that prior to doing 4 biweekly dose dense rounds of Taxol (Paclitaxel) that I also did 4 biweekly dose dense rounds of AC treatment. A is also referred to as adriamycin (red devil) andC was cyclophosphamide. I also had the Neulasta shot after each round except on one of my Taxol rounds, I was able to do without. None of this is out of the ordinary and many many many BC patients go through this same regimen if their bodies allow them to. There is nothing pretty about cancer so here I am in raw form for the world to see me at my absolute worst!

Below are two videos after my 1st round of Taxol. I was very nervous prior to taking Taxol because of the possible side effects during infusion. My PA recognized this on my first round and would prescribe me to take Ativan with my treatment to keep the anxiety at ease and I am glad she did that. I found it interesting how in a future video I talk about round 1 not being so bad but now I watched round 1 and see that it was rough as well.  Strange how soon we forget how the pain felt, but that's a good thing.

Next is a video of after my 2nd round of Taxol. Here you will see one my Dogo Aregentinos, Moxy, being extra loving and sweet. All my dogs helped me get through the days with their unconditional love and snuggling. Looking back at these I see how treatment seemed to make me bedridden for many reasons. Laying around in bed is not in my normal daily routine but chemo gives you no choice sometimes.

These two videos below were both after my 3rd round of Taxol. I say it's Tuesday in the first video but it was actually Thursday! Duh! Goes to show my brain was a bit foggy at the time. The second video for this round was on Friday (infusion was on Tues.). Generally I would feel the worst between days 2-6 after infusion. The gorgeous black lab is my Hunter and I literally take him everywhere with me whenever possible!

Finally below is after my 4th round of Taxol. After this round I was looking forward to doing a 5K with 40+ of my team members/supporters for Miles for Moffitt. I felt like crap after fighting through 8 rounds of dose dense chemo,  but just knowing that I was done made it so much more tolerable!

On day 11 after that last round of Taxol I did a 5K Miles for Moffitt run and had SO MUCH FUN! I walked just over 2 miles of it and let one of my fabulous employees help wheelchair me a mile. A couple days after this I was VERY sore but I think that was coming regardless of doing the walk. Taxol is mean to your joints and bones and today I am still struggling with aches, pains, restlessness, weakness, etc. BUT my cancer is G O N E and this is the price I have to pay to be healthy again.

My awesome team before the race!

My husband and best friend :)

Crossing the finish line with my besties and sister, life is good!!

My team after the race for a final group shot, thank you all!

My sign fell off the stick so now here I have a magic wand instead!!

Cancer may have kicked my ass and done some damage, 

but I won!

Aftermath - Pain sucks!

Finally! Feeling good enough to go out with my husband and enjoy some wine (no cigars for me)

I have been way too busy for someone that is just 3 months post chemo and almost 2 months post double mastectomy! I just go go go all the time and never seem to chill out lately. I'm trying to figure out a balance in my life but it's not easy!

My blood for genetic testing!!

A few weeks back I went in for genetic testing. IT WAS AWESOME! I am such a molecular nerd that this was right up my alley. The geneticist and I spent way too much time chit-chatting about genes and studies that are going on out there. Obviously I decided to have them run a panel of 28 known genes, although only a handful of them are really known to show a direct link to breast cancer.  I will spare you the nerdy details now but be prepared in a future blog to hear about the results!

Lately I started keeping a daily journal and it's amazing how much I forget from week to week....and day to day (thank you chemo brain). I feel that keeping a daily synopsis of my life, thoughts, pains, and laughs will help me later remember some good (...and some not so good) memories. If you are going through this or know someone going through this, I recommend keeping a daily journal! I got this idea after watching The Diary of Anne Frank about a month ago. She has no idea what an impact her diary had on humanity! Not that mine is going to do that but it made me think about how much history gets buried with the person that experienced it.

This journal thing has helped me keep track of all my pain and I find that to be very important. The reason why is because a lot of my pain doesn't seem to bother me when I'm trying to explain it to the doctors! By keeping a log I can go back through it and describe exactly how I felt and when. My memory doesn't let me remember these things so keeping notes on my iPad had been one of my most genius ideas.

Many people think that once treatment is over and the mastectomy is done that the patient is also done. However, this isn't the case whatsoever. Our bodies are still recovering from the damage and it takes longer that I thought. Apparently some of the damage will always be an issue but I need to address the pains that seem to affect my quality of life. Lately I've been dealing with pain in my cervical spine and in my shoulders. Seems weird right? Get your breast removed and now have pain in the neck and shoulders?! Well, I have degenerative disc disease (DDD) and had surgery for this exactly 4 years ago. My new pain doctor at Moffitt's Interventional Pain clinic told me that chemo, specifically Taxol, will cause issues with joint disorders. I told him I'll just take supplements and see how it goes.  But then a few nights ago I decided to take him up on some interventional pain procedures! I hurt! Doing yoga makes it flare up bad and puts me in so much pain later. I'm even on prescription strength vitamin D (50,000 IU per week because my vitD levels are extremely low...even before cancer) and was hoping that would help the joint pain but it's not (I found a lot of research papers linking low vitamin D to DDD and breast cancer).  So I've tried yoga, eat better, increase water intake, and take vitamins/supplements but I still feel pain.  Oh, and daily I take Lyrica and Mobic! Keep this in mind when you see someone that has gone through this because it truly is a battle. But I wouldn't change a thing and when you see my smile in pictures it is real!

I do have moments where this is all just too much and I breakdown. The shoulder pain I'm having is going to be another blog once I get more answers but it is something I deal with all day/night. I keep a positive attitude throughout all this as best I can. Often I am on the brink of tears and not sure why. It's odd because I'm not normally someone that cries all the time. I even cried DURING yoga last week. Who does that?! I was just fed up with the aches and pains and that cancer has made GENTLE YOGA difficult for me to do. Doing yoga I feel all the pains I didn't have before, I see my toenails missing, I feel my weight gain, and I have hot flashes (menopause is a bitch!). Everything I do reminds me of what cancer did to me. Constantly. All this makes it hard to enjoy something as beautiful as yoga but mentally this is helping me and I know that. I don't know what is going on with my fragile emotions lately but I'm spending time trying to figure it out. I think it's a bit of realizing what I went through and how serious it was. I also hate that my family and friends have had to go through this too. It makes me sad to know that people have cried because of me......I don't want that to happen. I think a lot of survivors tend to go through a period of depression at some level during the aftermath of their cancer treatment. I am experiencing some of this and survivors I talk to experience something similar that you can't quite put your finger on.

My hair growing back....3 months after end of Tx.

On the upside to all this....I am starting to look like a healthy person! My hair is growing back and I am enjoying the short hair in this mid-summer Florida heat. It's also nice NOT having to wear a bra in this heat too! My boobs are up to 300cc right now and I think my fill up this week will really make me look like I have something! Aside from work and laundry I've made a huge effort to visit with friends and family as much as possible and that helps my healing more than I can describe. It's hard for me to get up in the morning but I make to work then later start my second shift doing everything else in my busy life. The mornings are tough because I have always hated mornings but now I don't have the drive to get up and going at all. I'll work on this!

I think that is it for now. I'm having hot flashes like mad and this hot laptop isn't helping the situation!

Last outing w/ my bestie before she leaves for WA.

Massage coma at the Ritz with my bestie Selma

6 weeks after DMX - Life, Recovery, and Anxiety!

While I was dealing with insomnia last night I was thinking about life. We spend the first 5 or 6 years learning how to function as a human. Then we spend the next 13+ years in school followed with more school, training, and work. Now we are in our 30s and working our asses off so we can retire in our 60s (if we're lucky) to start living and doing the things we worked so hard for! Next thing you know it's just over, we're gone. It's such an abstract thought to think we won't be here one day. I feel like going through this treatment has shaved years off my life and I really hope it doesn't come back to haunt me even more. I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer but it's true and it's one reason I've decided to do what I want to do when I can. I want to spend more time with my husband (impossible when you're a business owner...) and family/friends. I want to travel and see more of our country and the world. There's so much to do in the fraction of time we have here!

Dad and me on his 60th bday at Two Georges

First time for me and sis at the Grand Ole Opry!

Right after I finished my last chemo I went to our cabin in Ohio to turkey hunt and enjoy the outdoors with one of my best friends. Then I went to Key West to live it up with my husband for a week....we love it down there.  The next week I had a double mastectomy (DMX) and the recovery held me hostage to my house, it was rough but I got through it. Just 3 weeks after my DMX I went to Boynton Beach to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday for a few days and had a blast. I came back to Tampa for a day then jumped on a plane headed to Nashville to celebrate the 4th of July weekend with my sister and some friends. Whew!! 

Sis and I at Nashville's amazing fireworks!

I can't say that all this running around was easy but it was worth it. My body aches all the time and I have some of the strangest pains imaginable. So keep in mind, that when someone is done with treatment and "done" with the main surgery......they are still dealing with it on the inside. They are also dealing with the emotional pains too which is something I'm having a hard time with. I have to remind myself that I feel this pain and fatigue because my body just went through hell. On top of going through cancer hell it's also going through menopause......without any supplements or hormones, go me! I'm not allowed to take anything and not sure if I would take hormones. I did learn that Zoloft helps with hotflashes and I cannot emphasize in words how frustrating it is to internally combust. 

Notice the straight "cord" towards middle of armpit...

My recovery is going well so far and I go for my first fill this week. I'm excited to get this process moving along and should have my "new set" by the end of the year. I can finally sleep on my side a little bit and that was something I missed a lot. Last week I developed this strange feeling under my left armpit and talked to my nurse about it. I told her it feels like a string being pulled from the middle of my armpit that connects to my elbow and that it is tender to touch. Apparently this is referred to as a "cord" and you can actually see it. I'll talk to them more about it on Tuesday but it may last awhile and has something to do with a lymph vessel. The weird things always tend to happen to me, not sure why!

3 CT contrast drinks to put down in 90mins, gross!

Chemobrain is stronger than ever and I missed my CT Scan last Tuesday. My reminder popped up on my phone at 10 PM....well that should have been AM!  I should have known because the night before I had a bad dream about my results. I thought it was the next week but I thought wrong! Anyway, I had it done the next day and I've been a bit of a mess ever since. That night I was reminded that my GI tract doesn't like the contrast drink/IV and the next day my right kidney started feeling sore. I had a CT back in December and I didn't care for the drink, but when I had a CT during chemo I actually liked the drink. Last week it made me almost puke with every sip! I'm learning this is what a lot of people feel when they have scans and doctor appointments after going through this. I don't think you ever get used to this kind of anxiety, especially since I rarely had to deal with anxiety in the past.

Aside from being a hot mess at times, I think that I'm doing pretty good with recovering from cancer hell. I take things one day at a time and learned to not go past my breaking point. I've also learned to recognize that everyone is going through something and we need to all have more patience. Life can be mean and hear stories of people going through cancer, divorce, and family deaths all at the same time. You just never know what is going on in other people's lives. Some don't have the liberty to splurge on themselves or take a vacation so I quickly remind myself how lucky I am. Aside from the nonsense we (being my husband and I) go through with cancer and the stress of owning businesses, I am grateful for all that we have. 

Sis and me at Hatch Print Show, a must do in Nashville.

In Nashville after fireworks...I was soooo tired!

My first time out with a wig...@ Tootsies!

3 Weeks After DMX!!!

Don't worry about the title, DMX is not referring to the the rapper!  DMX is short for "double mastectomy" for those new to this type of lingo.  Also, BC is short for "breast cancer" and these are acronyms I've learned while talking to my BC sisters through Facebook or texts. This experience has led me to meet some amazing women out there that are true fighters. Actually......some of them are simply online friends but I'm amazed by how much support travels through the internet. I recently joined a Facebook group for Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC) Survivors and it's been a great outlet for me to learn from the experienced survivors and offer help to the current fighters. It seems that all I want to do now is reach out and help someone that is going through diagnosis phase, treatment, or surgery. I'm not alone because it seems like every BC sister wants to help another BC sister! We rock.

Me and Laura going to my appointment!

I should have posted last week but it was tough to just play Candy Crush on my iPad, let alone type and think straight. In my last blog I talked about the drains and I can't emphasize in words how awful they were! However, I was blessed to just have 2 drains because I saw where some get up to 6 of them. Not only are they disgusting...they are painful too! I don't think we are meant to have tubes sticking out of our bodies. My left side stopped draining and started swelling making me look even more strange. I went for my post op follow up on day 11 and when my surgeon pulled that tube out it had tissue at the end so it wasn't draining right. YES...they just pull the tubes on out like it's no big deal! My bestie, and colon cancer fighter, Laura was there to witness this nasty event. It sorta felt like something crawling as the tubes were being pulled out. I don't have a lot of feeling so it is just a strange sensation, but at least it didn't hurt. Afterwords I felt like a free woman, it was great!

Pumpkin giving me some snuggles while we nap

My pain level just 11 days out was still fairly significant but they are against prescribing more narcotics in efforts to not make us addicts. I'm not sure how much I agree because sometimes the pain is beyond Tylenol or Advil capabilities but....whatever. I started taking Advil and Aleve to find out a week later that they were causing me to have gastroenteritis/colitis, which is just great. No more Ibuprofen/NSAIDS for me, my body hates them and now I do too.  At this point (3 weeks post op) my pain has gone down quite a bit and I'm taking extra strength Tylenol. I save the prescription meds for when I can't tolerate it anymore. This surgery causes all kinds of pain - sharp, dull, hypersensitivity, pulling, aching, tightness, and stabbing. The expanders were placed under the muscle so this causes a sharp/dull/shooting pain from the ribs. These expanders bulge out on my sides so that area is sore and I try not to put my arms down all the way. They are uncomfortable and my chest felt like it had a long 2x4 in it, but this is all temporary and it will get better.  The nerve pain is the worst! They sever so many nerves that it causes them to fire at all times and it can drive you crazy. It makes some areas hypersensitive and I can't stand clothes touching my skin (upper chest, sides, under arms, back). Weird things happen like if I rub the back of my head it causes nerves in my chest to fire.....this happens when I wash my forearms too. It feels like a little bit of electricity flushing through my body. I hope this is temporary and gets better as my nerves get accustomed to my body's new landscape!

I could write an entire book about this surgery because there is so much I want to share with everyone. The physical aspects are more than I expected and then there's the emotional part as well.  I'm reluctant to post of picture of my chest even though it's just skin with two 4" vertical sutures where I once had breasts. I just haven't built up the courage to share this and I applaud the woman who have.  It's not pretty or attractive whatsoever but I know that it's temporary as I go through the reconstructive process. Honestly, I thought this would have me in tears all the time but it wasn't until 9 days post op that I shed a tear because of my new look. I was trying so hard to stay positive but the pain, tightness, discomfort, and frustrations finally got to me so I had my moment! 

First pic of my flat chest!

At this point each day is better than the one before. My range of motion is coming back and I can almost reach my nightstand without hurting myself. It nearly took 3 weeks to lift my arms high enough to put deodorant on so I used baby powder....carefully. Because of the expanders I still can't sleep on my sides and apparently I won't be able to do that for awhile....damnit.  It's getting easier to cough but sneezing is still an issue! My entire breast area is totally numb but this is a good thing, trust me. The best way to explain this feeling is it is just like after leaving the dentist when your lip feels like it's 3" thick....that's how my breast area feels. This is good because when I go to get my boobs filled with saline in the upcoming weeks I won't feel the needle sticking me!

There is so much more I need to share so expect more blogs to come related to this DMX experience. I hope this blog brings another level of understanding to what we go through to fight BC. Chemotherapy was tough but going through a double mastectomy is no joke either! All I had to do was a lumpectomy but there are too many women out there that regret not doing a DMX the first time around. I have no regrets on my decision to tackle this disease with chemo and a DMX. I also wouldn't change my diagnosis if I could. I know it's caused a lot of pain and grief for me and my loved ones but it's changed my life.....in a good way.

Moxy cuddling with me, makes this easier.

More healing pics with Pumpkin

Pumpkin helping me with PT exercises!

Post DOUBLE MASTECTOMY!

Limited breast cancer USF jersey a friend won at an auction for me.

Today is almost exactly one week since my double mastectomy and I am still getting used to my "new look"! The morning of my surgery they did 4 injections of radioactive dye into my left breast. This dye will filter to the first lymph nodes that drain lymph from the breast. The surgeons had to add another dye to interact with this radioactive dye so they can visualize which lymph nodes are considered to be the sentinel nodes and remove them. The good news is that these nodes came back cancer free, which meant that they didn't have to remove more lymph nodes!!  This also meant that I will not undergo radiation and they were able to insert my expanders to start my reconstructive surgery. I was so happy to hear this news.

The new me!

I was in surgery for 4 +/-  hours as my family anxiously watched the OR Patient Status board for updates throughout my procedure. As I was rolled into the OR I tried to just take it all in and observe everything around me. They didn't let me do that for very long because next think I saw was my anesthesiologist putting a mask over my face.....I think I was able to count to 2.  From there on I was OUT OF IT!! I remember waking up as they rolled my in my room where everyone was waiting. It sure did feel good to have such a big support crew standing by my side all day through this. They turned it into a little party because someone brought travel size Vodka and Captain Morgan bottles along with some Redds beer! I heard my bestie's husband, Rich, was responsible for this. My people know how to have a good time I guess but they deserve it after a looooong day at the hospital. Plus I was all hopped up on morphine so they needed to be on my level in some way.

Picture time after surgery w/ family

It didn't take long for me to take look down at my chest.. ....... yup they were GONE! They put pink "binder" on me which is the hospital version of a halter top. Since they used internal sutures and Dermabond I don't have any dressing over the incisions.  I thought this would be mortifying for me to see but it really isn't that bad. I also thought about how I'll look now that I'm bald and flat. But this is temporary, that is what I must remind myself!

My 2-night stay at the hospital was pleasant and I had a lot of visitors. My nurses were all great...except for one that didn't seem to fit in with the Moffitt standards but oh well. The techs in nuclear medicine forgot to tell me that my urine would be electric green so that was a huge surprise to me when I was able to go to the bathroom that first time. It was definitely a shocker and even more odd that it turned turquoise and at one point it was purple in the commode!

My body has become a FULL TIME job since surgery. Not to mention that I need a full time caregiver with me because I'm not allowed to do anything. I called about pain the other day and the nurse told me to stop doing so much and sit still......so I am following directions now! I am on a schedule of meds that I would never remember with the use of the Dosecast app on my phone. I have tubes hanging from my drain sites that dump into grenade-like containers all day. Throughout the day we have to drain the tubes then measure the amount of fluid in the grenades. Once I drain less than 30cc per day for 2 days then the drains can come off. The sites where the tubes come out of my body are extremely sore and uncomfortable........they get removed in 4 more days I hope!

Me at hospital with a swollen lip from the tubes during surgery!

One of my drain ports under my arm

One of my drain "grenades". 

This surgery is no joke but I am still standing behind my decision. Too many women that had a lumpectomy have told me their regrets not having a double mastectomy and that helped me decide.  I have a lot of pain that never seems to go away no matter how many pain pills I take. It feels like there's an elephant on my chest and tennis balls under my armpits but this is all a part of my battle to get rid of cancer for good! The strangest feeling I have now is my chest is numb. I can relate it to how your lip feels thick after getting Novocain from your dentist.....well my entire chest feels that way!

I am exactly one week post surgery and thought I'd be more back to normal. I still need pain meds and I think the discomfort at the drain sites is worse now than it was originally. In another week I think my condition will be much better so I am looking forward to that because recovering from surgery is NOT FUN! I am so thankful for my caregivers that wait on me hand and foot because I could not get through this on my own.

My husband has been awesome trying to be with me while handling business all at the same time. Our lives are beyond overfilled and we definitely did not have time to fit breast cancer in our schedule! Here is a picture of him while I was waiting to go to OR. My bestie Laura took the pic and thought maybe they gave him the anesthesia. This reminds me.....while I was laying in bed the other night he rolled over and punched me in the right boob (or area where there once was a boob)! You know this never happens unless you just had surgery in that area!

Picture time before surgery

I get lots of love!!

Thanks for reading and I appreciate all the support out there, xoxoxo!