Aftermath - Pain sucks!

Finally! Feeling good enough to go out with my husband and enjoy some wine (no cigars for me)

I have been way too busy for someone that is just 3 months post chemo and almost 2 months post double mastectomy! I just go go go all the time and never seem to chill out lately. I'm trying to figure out a balance in my life but it's not easy!

My blood for genetic testing!!

A few weeks back I went in for genetic testing. IT WAS AWESOME! I am such a molecular nerd that this was right up my alley. The geneticist and I spent way too much time chit-chatting about genes and studies that are going on out there. Obviously I decided to have them run a panel of 28 known genes, although only a handful of them are really known to show a direct link to breast cancer.  I will spare you the nerdy details now but be prepared in a future blog to hear about the results!

Lately I started keeping a daily journal and it's amazing how much I forget from week to week....and day to day (thank you chemo brain). I feel that keeping a daily synopsis of my life, thoughts, pains, and laughs will help me later remember some good (...and some not so good) memories. If you are going through this or know someone going through this, I recommend keeping a daily journal! I got this idea after watching The Diary of Anne Frank about a month ago. She has no idea what an impact her diary had on humanity! Not that mine is going to do that but it made me think about how much history gets buried with the person that experienced it.

This journal thing has helped me keep track of all my pain and I find that to be very important. The reason why is because a lot of my pain doesn't seem to bother me when I'm trying to explain it to the doctors! By keeping a log I can go back through it and describe exactly how I felt and when. My memory doesn't let me remember these things so keeping notes on my iPad had been one of my most genius ideas.

Many people think that once treatment is over and the mastectomy is done that the patient is also done. However, this isn't the case whatsoever. Our bodies are still recovering from the damage and it takes longer that I thought. Apparently some of the damage will always be an issue but I need to address the pains that seem to affect my quality of life. Lately I've been dealing with pain in my cervical spine and in my shoulders. Seems weird right? Get your breast removed and now have pain in the neck and shoulders?! Well, I have degenerative disc disease (DDD) and had surgery for this exactly 4 years ago. My new pain doctor at Moffitt's Interventional Pain clinic told me that chemo, specifically Taxol, will cause issues with joint disorders. I told him I'll just take supplements and see how it goes.  But then a few nights ago I decided to take him up on some interventional pain procedures! I hurt! Doing yoga makes it flare up bad and puts me in so much pain later. I'm even on prescription strength vitamin D (50,000 IU per week because my vitD levels are extremely low...even before cancer) and was hoping that would help the joint pain but it's not (I found a lot of research papers linking low vitamin D to DDD and breast cancer).  So I've tried yoga, eat better, increase water intake, and take vitamins/supplements but I still feel pain.  Oh, and daily I take Lyrica and Mobic! Keep this in mind when you see someone that has gone through this because it truly is a battle. But I wouldn't change a thing and when you see my smile in pictures it is real!

I do have moments where this is all just too much and I breakdown. The shoulder pain I'm having is going to be another blog once I get more answers but it is something I deal with all day/night. I keep a positive attitude throughout all this as best I can. Often I am on the brink of tears and not sure why. It's odd because I'm not normally someone that cries all the time. I even cried DURING yoga last week. Who does that?! I was just fed up with the aches and pains and that cancer has made GENTLE YOGA difficult for me to do. Doing yoga I feel all the pains I didn't have before, I see my toenails missing, I feel my weight gain, and I have hot flashes (menopause is a bitch!). Everything I do reminds me of what cancer did to me. Constantly. All this makes it hard to enjoy something as beautiful as yoga but mentally this is helping me and I know that. I don't know what is going on with my fragile emotions lately but I'm spending time trying to figure it out. I think it's a bit of realizing what I went through and how serious it was. I also hate that my family and friends have had to go through this too. It makes me sad to know that people have cried because of me......I don't want that to happen. I think a lot of survivors tend to go through a period of depression at some level during the aftermath of their cancer treatment. I am experiencing some of this and survivors I talk to experience something similar that you can't quite put your finger on.

My hair growing back....3 months after end of Tx.

On the upside to all this....I am starting to look like a healthy person! My hair is growing back and I am enjoying the short hair in this mid-summer Florida heat. It's also nice NOT having to wear a bra in this heat too! My boobs are up to 300cc right now and I think my fill up this week will really make me look like I have something! Aside from work and laundry I've made a huge effort to visit with friends and family as much as possible and that helps my healing more than I can describe. It's hard for me to get up in the morning but I make to work then later start my second shift doing everything else in my busy life. The mornings are tough because I have always hated mornings but now I don't have the drive to get up and going at all. I'll work on this!

I think that is it for now. I'm having hot flashes like mad and this hot laptop isn't helping the situation!

Last outing w/ my bestie before she leaves for WA.

Massage coma at the Ritz with my bestie Selma