Another day with unexpected info

I'm not much of a writer and this was clear when it took me 40+ revisions to finally get a thesis draft that my mentor sort of accepted! I thought that period of my life was tough and stressful and now I'd do another Masters degree over what I'm about to face. I don't plan on blogging daily or even weekly but for now it's a way for me to take it all in.

Being that Dave and I haven't had any kids of our own we decided to visit the IVF clinic at USF to see about options for us. My surgeon recommended that we do this so there are no regrets later! I went in with the thought that the doctor will put me on some hormones and then freeze eggs for us to use after I'm done with my battle. So I get checked in and they escort me to the room where they tell me we are going to do a ultrasound and see how many follicles I have. Really? Now? This was a surprise but at least Dave got to see what women have to go through and I hope he has a new appreciation for woman healthcare! No matter how many times you've had to put on that paper skirt thing they give you, it doesn't get any easier. Then you add in those stirrups to make it even more awkward like it isn't bad enough already!

We've put off having kids for so many reasons and I know it's something that both of us have to be ready for. David has a 21 year old son that is now in college and on his own doing great. Together I think we would make pretty good parents and that we have a lot to offer and share with kids. Knowing that I have cancer has made me think about being a parent even more lately. I wonder if it will be possible to get pregnant and carry. I wonder if we have kids will I end up with cancer again. I wonder if I should have kids and pass on genes that may cause them to have cancer. We consider ourselves realists and want to make sure decisions based on what we think is right.

After meeting with our doctor today I found out that I am not a good candidate for IVF. This was totally unexpected because I thought they would just take eggs in a few weeks and we can move on. I'm getting closer to that biological clock point that us women know about but don't want to accept so this news really made that clear. He also told me that the chemo will most likely make my ovaries non-functional and that I'd need hormone therapy after to deal with the pregnancy. I'm leaving a lot out but overall the odds are against us to have enough eggs to do this procedure and even be successful at this.  The doctor made a comment that we can relate to saying that in our type of situation he would pick his wife rather than put her through the process I would have to go through. This is exactly how David thinks and feels.  He married me and it's my health and life that concerns him first and I appreciate his view on this.

I am sad about not being able to have a biological child....but I'm not devastated, if that makes sense. I've always wondered what my kids would look like or who they would turn out to be soI think part of my emotions are because I will never know these outcomes. BUT, having a biological child isn't the only option. We had already talked about adoption over the past year and I know now that this is still something we can do and I hope that we are in the position to adopt once I get past this cancer obstacle. There are so many kids out there that need a home and I think it's almost a calling for me to adopt. First I need to focus on getting healthy. Oh and in the meantime, I do have 8 dogs to love and those who know me also know that I adore my dogs! They are my fur-babies and they are family to me.

Oh and there was more unexpected info at this "consult" appointment. I guess I need to get used to that......so glad that David came with me on this one. They saw something on the ultrasound they aren't sure of. So they told me I needed an endometrial biopsy and that they were doing it right then!! Really? Now? This was NOT how I intended to start my day, but it is what it is.  David got to be in the room for that too and I'm glad he got another example of what some of us women go through! Those of you that had this done can relate and those that haven't can just be happy you haven't had it done. Now all I can ask for is prayers and positive thoughts that this is just a benign abnormality and not anything else.

When we don't know something we tend to let our mind wonder and some of us even go to Dr. Google to see if we can diagnose it. Bad idea, by the way! Can you even imagine some of the things people google?  People ask Google things they wouldn't even tell a doctor! Anyway, I've learned to stay away from some sites on the internet and stick to peer reviewed science and some personal testimonials or experiences people have shared.  This is why I decided to write a blog and outline my experiences so that others can learn or relate. We only get one shot at life and we all need to be proactive with our health because life is already too short as it is!  There are screening centers all over and in the Tampa Bay area we are lucky enough to have Moffitt (www.lifetimecancerscreening.org). Health is something we shouldn't procrastinate with!