This Christmas is Different!

 

Yesterday I had a CT and bone scan as something they do as a baseline and check if anything abnormal shows up that is unexpected.  But my scans came back all clear, aside from the cancer in my breast of course!  To start my day, the tech tried to insert the IV catheter into the vein in my left arm and apparently my vein did not want it there because it bent the catheter! So I got to get stuck in the other arm instead, fun fun fun. Before the CT scan, the tech prepped me on what I will feel when they inject me with the contrast.  He told me about the stinging pain, then metallic taste in my mouth, then sensation that I would have to pee. So, this all happened and I swore that I totally emptied my bladder all over myself on the table.  I thought this is going to be so embarrassing that I wasn't able to hold back the feeling and actually let it all escape! I mean, they did give me 3 contrast drinks beforehand.  Once it was over, I was totally dry and it was all an illusion!! I told him he needed to reword that to where he tells the patient 'you will feel like you totally wet yourself'! Next was the bone scan and that was actually relaxing, especially since she covered me with a warmed blanket......the folks at Moffitt have treated me like royalty.

Although my oncologist was booked on Christmas Eve she fit me in the schedule and I'm so glad she did. Having cancer is probably the worst Christmas present I ever got but finding out that my scans were clear, liver cyst is benign,  and I'm now on the schedule for treatment is more than a gift. I am still waiting on endometrial biopsy results but I am confident that is all going to be fine as well. My oncologist is Dr. Ishmel-Kahn and she seems great along with my nurse, Sandy. We had quite a few laughs during the appointment and mainly because my husband doesn't know how to behave! They were going over all the side effects I will or may get and Dave told them that he will just tell me to "rub some dirt on it".  This is a token phrase of his and they thought it was funny. Actually when we got to the Breast Center they gave us a light-up pager like they use at restaurants and he asked them "could we get a booth?'.  I can't take him ANYWHERE!

Back to the office visit......my nurse, Sandy, was going over the procedure to insert my port. She brought one in to show us (see picture):

Now this isn't the exact one they are putting in me but Dave couldn't get over the pin-size hole in the catheter. Immediately had took it apart (because he takes EVERYTHING apart!!!) and Sandy asked him "did you break my port?". He continued to tell us that this hole bothered him so he busted out his pocket knife and repaired it! He was so antsy about it not being right the nurse told him he can fix it so he did. Seriously, I can't take him anywhere and expect him to behave himself!

My doctor and nurse both went over all the side effects that will or may happen including hair loss (this is a definite), weight gain (this really sucks but happens from the steroids), more fatigue, feeling like crap, heart issues, mouth sores, etc. Then they tell me not to eat uncooked foods, that means NO SUSHI?!! Not happy about that at all.  Then the port has to go on my right side....but that's my shooting arm! So, I'll have to get out and shoot some sporting clays over the next week.....or learn how to shoot lefty. On the upside, they have drugs for the nausea from chemo so hopefully that won't be an issue.

I start chemo on Jan 14th and will go every 2 weeks for treatment.  The first 4 treatments they call "AC" for Adriamycin and Cylclophosphamide.  Then the last for treatments it is just Taxol.....and my hair should start to grow back at this point too!  To keep my immune system from dumping on me I will also take shots of Neulasta.  I'll try and do this myself to save me a trip to Moffitt, or maybe let Dave do it if I'm real courageous!

I think for the most part my attitude towards this venture has been positive.  I do have my moments and I think every cancer patient deserves to have a breakdown here and there. It came to my mind while getting ready this morning that this is natures way of "pulling my life card". Luckily we now have advanced medicine and this can be treated and cured. But there is still that reality that things could go wrong and I find that a bit scary. No matter how much they tell me things will be ok, knowing that I have Stage IIA Triple Negative Breast Cancer just puts life into a different perspective.

But it is Christmas and I'm looking forward making a rib roast and hanging out with family, friends, and my dogs. This is the first year that I didn't even buy one Christmas present, I feel like a jerk! I thought everyone agreed to no presents this year and now I'm finding out there are some presents and I'm the only one that followed the rule!  Anyway, here is my favorite Christmas picture of Hunter when we spent Christmas at our cabin in Ohio (2011). I swear it could make a hallmark card but I'll just keep him to myself.

I appreciate you reading my story and I hope this spreads the right message to everyone out there to share. I already know of 3 friends that scheduled mammograms after learning about my diagnosis and that was a great feeling to me, so my efforts are working!

Merry Christmas!

Another day with unexpected info

I'm not much of a writer and this was clear when it took me 40+ revisions to finally get a thesis draft that my mentor sort of accepted! I thought that period of my life was tough and stressful and now I'd do another Masters degree over what I'm about to face. I don't plan on blogging daily or even weekly but for now it's a way for me to take it all in.

Being that Dave and I haven't had any kids of our own we decided to visit the IVF clinic at USF to see about options for us. My surgeon recommended that we do this so there are no regrets later! I went in with the thought that the doctor will put me on some hormones and then freeze eggs for us to use after I'm done with my battle. So I get checked in and they escort me to the room where they tell me we are going to do a ultrasound and see how many follicles I have. Really? Now? This was a surprise but at least Dave got to see what women have to go through and I hope he has a new appreciation for woman healthcare! No matter how many times you've had to put on that paper skirt thing they give you, it doesn't get any easier. Then you add in those stirrups to make it even more awkward like it isn't bad enough already!

We've put off having kids for so many reasons and I know it's something that both of us have to be ready for. David has a 21 year old son that is now in college and on his own doing great. Together I think we would make pretty good parents and that we have a lot to offer and share with kids. Knowing that I have cancer has made me think about being a parent even more lately. I wonder if it will be possible to get pregnant and carry. I wonder if we have kids will I end up with cancer again. I wonder if I should have kids and pass on genes that may cause them to have cancer. We consider ourselves realists and want to make sure decisions based on what we think is right.

After meeting with our doctor today I found out that I am not a good candidate for IVF. This was totally unexpected because I thought they would just take eggs in a few weeks and we can move on. I'm getting closer to that biological clock point that us women know about but don't want to accept so this news really made that clear. He also told me that the chemo will most likely make my ovaries non-functional and that I'd need hormone therapy after to deal with the pregnancy. I'm leaving a lot out but overall the odds are against us to have enough eggs to do this procedure and even be successful at this.  The doctor made a comment that we can relate to saying that in our type of situation he would pick his wife rather than put her through the process I would have to go through. This is exactly how David thinks and feels.  He married me and it's my health and life that concerns him first and I appreciate his view on this.

I am sad about not being able to have a biological child....but I'm not devastated, if that makes sense. I've always wondered what my kids would look like or who they would turn out to be soI think part of my emotions are because I will never know these outcomes. BUT, having a biological child isn't the only option. We had already talked about adoption over the past year and I know now that this is still something we can do and I hope that we are in the position to adopt once I get past this cancer obstacle. There are so many kids out there that need a home and I think it's almost a calling for me to adopt. First I need to focus on getting healthy. Oh and in the meantime, I do have 8 dogs to love and those who know me also know that I adore my dogs! They are my fur-babies and they are family to me.

Oh and there was more unexpected info at this "consult" appointment. I guess I need to get used to that......so glad that David came with me on this one. They saw something on the ultrasound they aren't sure of. So they told me I needed an endometrial biopsy and that they were doing it right then!! Really? Now? This was NOT how I intended to start my day, but it is what it is.  David got to be in the room for that too and I'm glad he got another example of what some of us women go through! Those of you that had this done can relate and those that haven't can just be happy you haven't had it done. Now all I can ask for is prayers and positive thoughts that this is just a benign abnormality and not anything else.

When we don't know something we tend to let our mind wonder and some of us even go to Dr. Google to see if we can diagnose it. Bad idea, by the way! Can you even imagine some of the things people google?  People ask Google things they wouldn't even tell a doctor! Anyway, I've learned to stay away from some sites on the internet and stick to peer reviewed science and some personal testimonials or experiences people have shared.  This is why I decided to write a blog and outline my experiences so that others can learn or relate. We only get one shot at life and we all need to be proactive with our health because life is already too short as it is!  There are screening centers all over and in the Tampa Bay area we are lucky enough to have Moffitt (www.lifetimecancerscreening.org). Health is something we shouldn't procrastinate with!

Heading into a new journey

For the past few weeks I've been dealing with the unknown regarding my recent diagnosis......it's been a long few weeks!  The Friday before Thanksgiving I felt a lump in my left breast while watching TV.  It was itchy over the couple weeks prior but I thought it was a bruise from my dogs jumping on me all the time (I have a lot of dogs!).  Regardless, I called my doctor the following Monday and she confirmed that there was indeed a lump.  A week later I had a mammogram and ultrasound scheduled at Moffitt.  I went alone thinking they will take images and I'll be on my way.  Low and behold and 3 hours later a doctor walks in to tell me "you have a very suspicious mass that we need you to follow up on right away".  Well, that wasn't expected and took me by surprise. I got dressed, teared up, and left fearing what this could mean.

I had a biopsy done later that week and then found out the following Tuesday morning that I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. I asked her about 4 times to repeat it because it just sounded like she was mumbling into the phone, looking back it was probably because I was in disbelief! Next I did some more tests to get some more answers as to what is going on in my body.  During this time I had a few breakdowns with my husband, mainly just in fear of the unknown.  But on a daily basis I was just scared to not know what stage this cancer is in. It kinda feels like you're hanging by the last string on a rope dangling over a cliff and I DID NOT LIKE IT.

Today I got some news! Aside from having cancer, it was good news.  Funny how "good news" has a different meaning to me now. Based on the tests it appears that my cancer has NOT metastasized - this is the good news! Now the bad news is that the type of cancer I have is aggressive and what they call "triple negative", which means it is not one of the ones linked to the HER2 or hormone receptors: estrogen or progesterone. On the bright side, this aggressive form of breast cancer responds well to treatment. But on the downside, treatment is not fun and I'm not looking forward to it. I will have to say that the doctors and nurses at Moffitt have been great to us and I am confident they will take good care of me. It is pretty weird to whip out my breasts for everyone and get examined like a pillow! I am a modest person so this is just bizarre to make this a routine with all these strange medical professionals! But, I'm not the first to do this and we all know I won't be the last either, unfortunately.

Next week I go for a bone and CT scan to get started on the work to head into chemo and radiation. We decided it's best to get started on systematic treatment now in case there are any cells that decided to take a trip elsewhere in by body. This also buys me some time to figure out what type of surgery I want to do and I can learn about all of the options. I am doing the genetic testing because the molecular biologist in me is just too curious, even though they don't feel it's genetic.

So I mentioned the last few weeks have been long and now I know I have an even longer road ahead of me. I am scared to death and not sure what to expect, even though so many have shared their stories with me.....it's still scary.  I'm nervous to lose my hair and deal with the side effects, none of which will be fun (except if I get to lose a few pounds!). I may even buy a bunch of different wigs just to have a little fun with it, and yes I will have a pink wig!! I have my moments of feeling angry about this, then times where I have little patience, then times where I am just mentally and physically tired. I do think cancer is just bullshit and hate that so many have to go through it. I wonder about what I have done that caused it to show up in me.  I wonder if I could have prevented it. I will never know these answers but it's still something to think about.

Although I have cancer and having cancer sucks.......I have a ton of support that will keep my chin up through this fight.  My husband is more than amazing and I am so lucky to have him by my side. My mom, dad, and sister have been so supportive and I know they are here for me along with all my friends, family, colleagues, employees, and other survivors! Over the past 4 1/2 years I've been a cheerleader for my best friend Laura as she's battled stage IV colon cancer, and now we are going to be fighters together. We've been friends since 1981 and she's been an inspiration to so many of us.  Now that both of us are kicking cancer's ass I think the odds are on our side. I'm ready to get started and can't wait to look back on this a year from now as we are celebrating my recovery!