Dreams

I think it was the second night after Laura passed when I had a dream with her in it. A few other weird things happened within those first few days but I'll get to that later. In my dream, I was dying and eventually died. I went through some small door opening that was lit brightly and she was there! It was good to see that she was ok and the first thing I wanted to do is look for a dog I had who was named Arlo. Funny thing is that we adopted Arlo along with Selma when the 3 of us lived together in an apartment by USF. But once we all went our separate ways Arlo stayed with me and died in 2009 at 14 years of age. So, Laura and I go to a place where all the dogs live and it was an area full of kennels. But the dogs could come and go as they please. We started calling for Arlo and he showed up! It was awesome but when I woke up all I could do was cry because I miss them both yet it was comforting to see her and Arlo doing just fine. Hopefully they stick together up there!

Arlo at our place in Ohio

You know how unexplainable things happen sometimes and it makes you feel like the person is present? Rich, her husband, actually has a couple really good examples of this and basically it was her presence that let him to decide on laying her to rest at the Gan Shalom Cemetary. He literally lost power to his phone, then his computer shut down as he was trying to find the number to call a different cemetary. This clearly told him she wanted to be at the Jewish Cemetary! The sweetest part of this is that Rich also bought a plot right beside her for himself so one day the kids don't have to worry about what to do when his time is called.

Gates to Gan Shalom Cemetary, beautiful place.

Laura loved to play tricks and her co-workers along with family and friends could all vouch for that! The day after she passed her little sister, Linda, walked into Laura's room and turned on the light then headed to use the master bathroom. As she got to the bathroom the lights went out! ...I probably would have wet my pants if this were me!... Anyway, for some reason a picture frame (That Linda gave to Laura years ago about being sisters and friends) decided to fall off the wall and it hit the light switch. Crazy huh?! Also, my phone was dropping calls and not keeping a charge that first week she was gone. It happened when Rich called me in the middle of the night to tell me she passed. We talked awhile and then all of a sudden our call dropped for no reason! It happened all day and I never have those kinds of issues with my phone! It seems to be working fine now. I think maybe she was playing tricks on me.

Linda, Mike, Karen, & Laura (Reiner siblings)

Strange things happen when someone you love passes away. I don't know if it's actually them visiting us or if it's us reaching for something to help get through what we don't know. I had another dream last night with Laura in it. Sadly I died in this dream too! In both dreams I die the same way and it's from cancer and there is some time in limbo going back and forth between living and dying. I feel scared but once I pass through the lit doorway I feel better. Laura was waiting for me just like the last time. We got separated at one point becasue we were trying to find an auditorium that was doing a dance show, go figure. But we met up again then I don't remember the rest of the dream. At least I was reassured that she's doing ok! It sure does make me miss her even more when this happens but that's ok. 

I am not the most religious person but as I get older and go through more trials and tribulations in life I seem to gain more faith. This is something I plan to discuss in my next blog becasue so many of us struggle with it yet we hope there is something out there. With Laura being gone I REALLY hope she's up there will all our loved ones having the time of her life eating Mexican food and running around in sleepy pants with a camera around her neck. Oh, and I hope she is singing for everyone too! If you don't believe in anything, where does it mean when someone dies - is that the all time end? I doubt it. I hope not. 

The family is traveling and collecting rocks to bring back for Laura. It's a Jewish tradition to place rocks on their resting place and Laura loved to travel so they are doing this for her. She's missing from this picture but makes me wonder if she's right there with them....

Laura's GoFund me site

Laura Our Superhero

It's late, going on 3AM, and I'm still awake with my mind racing. It's been almost 3 weeks since Laura passed away and each day actually seems to get harder. One of my last blogs was about Laura and was titled "When Your Bestie Has Cancer Too" . A post to refer to for those of you reading this that may not know me personally. Words can't even express how amazing she was and how much she is missed by all that had the privledge to know her.

Us flying to Seattle - May 2015

I've wanted to write about this but just can't figure out where to start. Just over a month ago Laura and I ventured off to Seattle to seek treatment since there was nothing they could do here at home. She wasn't doing well when we left but she was determined to try more treatment so she could watch her kids grow up and make memories with her family. While in Seattle we met an MD and ND (Naturopath Doctor) that had a plan for her and it really sounded hopeful. She wanted to see Noah graduate 8th grade and be there for Tatum's 12th birthday and dance recitals so I booked round trip tickets for us to fly to Tampa then back to Seattle a week later to get started with treatment. But things quickly changed and her body had enough and she passed the day we were supposed to fly back to Seattle. She was able to make it to Noah's graduation and through Tatum's birthday and dance recitals becuase of her will to fight and hang on for her kids. Laura peacefully left us within hours after Tatum finished her last recital.


Laura didn't "Lose Her Fight To Cancer".  I hate that expression.  As a fighter myself I understand now that if we pass that we didn't lose.  Cancer doesn't fight fair to begin with so it's not right to say cancer won, which is essentially what you are saying with that statement. Cancer surely didn't win with her because Laura fought hard, harder than anyone I know. She never gave up. Her husband said it perfectly when he read her eulogy when he said, "I think that at the last moment she decided to pass because she knew that that single act would ensure the cancers death, with hers, and she felt she had taught us enough to continue on without her in this physical plane where we exist."


As I try to get through my days I often remind myself to try to be as strong as Laura......but that is much easier said than done. She was a major part of my life and a major part of who I am today, and for that I am grateful. But grieving is hard and there is no right or wrong way to go about it.  There is no way to make it easier as far as I know. I'll be honest and say I am a mess right now. It's difficult to accomplish anything, which includes getting out of bed. I can't focus on anything that requires thought. I feel like a complete loser and feel like I should be able to be stronger than this, but I'm not. There are times when I feel like a sandbag where I just can't move and my mental capacity is that of sand. Yes I think about the good memories but that doesn't take away the fact that she's gone and new memories cannot be made. 


Most people don't talk about mental health because it's too embarrassing. But we all have problems and we can all use some help sometimes. So that's exactly what I did, I got some help. And yes I do need to take anxiety meds at times because the emotions are more than I can control! But I also called my therapist at Moffitt and was able to help myself understand what I am going through. It seems ridiculous that we need another person to figure this out but it's the truth! This is sort of a lie,  I actually didn't make the call, they called me.  I saw my oncologist around the same time for a follow up and she saw right through me and told me she was concerned and put in a request for an appointment for me. 


So I learned that it's ok to be upset and grieve. It's ok to get angry, to cry, and to be alone. Basically it's a type of depression and time should heal this state of mind that I'm in. Sometimes this takes weeks but in some cases it takes months, years. She told me it's ok to take time for myself and allow myself to be upset and grieve so that some day I can heal from this. I was told that not only did I lose my life long best friend, but that I watched her life end from cancer and it was cruel and traumatic. And apparently cancer survivors have a really hard time with this because we share that same disease and we tend to feel some level of fear and also survivor's guilt. All this is true for me but I also have guilt that I didn't do enough. I don't know what else I could have done but there is probably something else at some point we could have explored so that she would still be here today.

I plan to blog and be open about this emotional pain.  I am 100% sure that I'm not the only one battling this and trying to get through each day. For some reason it's comforting to hear someone discuss things that most people don't talk about openly. Laura touched so many lives and so many of us are hurting right now but at least she is no longer hurting or suffering. At least now she is at peace and watching over us. 



Below are two links to stories that were published in the local newspaper about Laura:

Laura Hauser inspired others during her cancer battle

Hundreds turn out to remember Laura Hauser

Here is a link to the GoFund me site that I set up for the Hauser's. It clearly shows the amount of love and support for Laura and the family by the amount of money raised!

Laura's GoFund me site

Always ready with a camera and her smile, RIP Laura - you are loved and missed.

When Your Bestie Has Cancer Too - Damnit!

Chemo Day for my bestie - Screw You Cancer!!!

Today I got a call from my bestie and she needed me to be her chemo partner because her hubby is too sick and shouldn't be at a cancer hospital. She knows that at any time or hour she can call and I will be there no matter what it takes! He wouldn't miss being there for her but this time he had a cough that just isn't safe for the patients to be around.

We met in 1981 and she was in the 1st grade class next to mine. There was literally 2 of those old double sided chalkboards with wheels to separate her class from mine! Over the next number of years we spent countless hours together doing sleepovers, riding bikes, skating, playing kickball, and so on. We went to different schools in 7th grade but made up for that time by being college roomies at USF. Although we had some struggles through those times we've managed to work through it all and maintain our best friend status!

Laura @ the Undy Run in 2014

I was pulling up to Moffitt this morning and looking at the flags blowing in the wind and thinking what a beautiful facility it really is. I also started to tear up because going to the infusion center brings back a lot of feelings and I hate it that she has to go through chemo treatment again. Laura has been fighting Stage IV Colon Cancer since her diagnosis in 2009. She barreled through surgeries and treatment like a total BadAss and her strength is just amazing. Over the years they've administered the traditional therapies for this type of cancer and she's done several clinical trials as well. Sometimes they just aren't working and other times the side effects just get to be too much to handle. 

So now she's back in treatment again to get the metastasis back under control. It's hard to watch your friend go through this. It was hard for me before my own diagnosis but now I actually know what it's like physically and mentally. She's told me how hard it was for her to watch me go through it! So I don't know what's worse: cancer treatment or watching cancer treatment and knowing there's nothing you can do. I hate cancer!!!

Typing this up has reminded me of some old memories that both of us were a part of. There was the time when we were hanging out and she was running in the carport at our friend's house (Tommy Rodgers, RIP) then slipped and fell on her chin! She ended up bleeding all over and even got stitches. Another time we were at our friend's (Kristen M.) sleepover party where my wrist got broken on the trampoline! At another sleepover we were at my nose got broke while Laura's sister Karen was keeping an eye on us! Laura was the first person I called when my parents told me they were having a baby. I was 11 and not so thrilled at the idea but Laura thought it was awesome and she's been a part of my sister Sam's entire life!

Freshman year dorm @ USF

We have so many good memories over the last 34 years together that I could probably crash this blog site if I listed them all.  Then again, my memory sucks so I would need some help to remember them! I sure wish we had camera phones back then because there would be some great pictures. Actually.....it's probably better that camera phones weren't around our entire lives! Laura is a photographer and a bit addicted to taking pictures so imagine the magnitude of pics out there if she had her hands on a camera phone back then!

Being there with Laura today just makes me appreciate the value of true friendship. I love how her kids call me Aunt Pam and consider me family and I love how my family considers her to be family too! Not everyone gets to have a friend like this and both of us recognize how awesome it is! If you get a chance, reach out to a friend today and share some memories!

Me, Laura, & Selma at Relay for Life.....2011 or 2012

Me and Laura early in our freshman year at USF

Look who's 40!!!!

During my treatment.....April 2014

@ Epcot for Laura's annual Disney trip.....2015

   

Bah Humbug???

OK so it's December and we are in the middle of the holidays.....Bah Humbug right? As a kid we can't wait for this time of year and as an adult sometimes we can't wait for it to end! Well I have a different outlook on it now and every holiday is a gift..... that includes birthdays and anniversaries. In the past I can remember this time of year being a hassle dealing with all the shopping, events, traffic, people, family, food, deserts, drinks, hangovers, more food, and more drinks! We all complain about the crappy eating habits and weight gain then start the new year off at the gym! I know....every year we do the same thing and bitch about the same thing but this year is different for me. Don't get me wrong, I will still bitch and complain but I also have a new appreciation!
 


Happy 40th to my bestie!!

Tonight I went to celebrate my beastie's 40th birthday!!! This girl is a true cancer warrior and started chemo again yesterday....I think this is about her 61st round of chemo over the past 5+ years.  She is a stage IV colon cancer fighter and I credit her for giving me the strength and inspiration to "Keep Calm and Fight On"! Again, holidays and birthdays have a whole new meaning to me now and I want to be sure to celebrate all of them. It's sad that it takes an illness to make us realize how important these times really are.
You know what else I've learned through all this? .....have more patience with people!  We get so wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of getting somewhere, shopping, eating, running errands, blah, blah, blah. We get pissed off when someone takes "our" parking spot or when someone cuts us off then makes us miss the green light.  But does it really matter? No. We're all trying to do the same things during this holiday season and we all get frustrated with each other and it ruins the spirit behind Christmas. I still have to stop and remind myself sometimes to just brush it off when someone does something stupid while driving or walking. I say walking because people have their faces in their phones texting and now you need to watch out for them too! It really does seem like people are floating around aimlessly these days but we need to just laugh about it. I'm sure I've been that person looking like an idiot myself.

My Hunter volunteering as Pet Therapy dog @ Moffitt

Again, I'm just grateful to be alive and well this Christmas. I need to not stress about the little things because we have enough stress as it is. We all need to find a way to give back and consider those who are less fortunate or those that are facing the holidays without their loved ones. Reach out to people you know that have lost their wife, mother, child, friend, grandparent, etc. Let them know you are thinking about them by sending a card, text, message, or making a phone call. Reach out to people that are less fortunate and donate a few toys or some food to a local charity. I know that I can't do a lot but I can contribute a little. If we all do at least that then we are doing something. I can't bring back a loved one but I can make sure to reach out to those that need to know they are still in my thoughts.

Life is great but life is mean too.  It's been a tough year and I'll need to blog about a "Year in Review" to recap the "highlights" over the past 12 months! Right now I'm trying to focus on being a better person, wife, friend, daughter, sister, etc. I'm trying to enjoy life and not take the holidays for granted. This is so easy to do and we all get wrapped up in the monotony of the holiday madness! I think the purpose of this blog post is to remind us to take a step back and find ways to make this time of year meaningful. Find ways to make it mean something with your loved ones and ways to give back to those that need you!!

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A CURE!







It's Been a Year!

To be honest I haven't posted lately because I don't even know where to start since it's been so long! It was never my intention to take months off from blogging but now that I'm back to the daily life routine I've put writing aside, not good. I have had so much going on the last few months I want to share so this will take a few posts!

Me and my Hubby in Nov 2014

To start off....I'm doing great!  I did a couple talks at the Great American Teach In this past week and I realized while standing in front of these classes how far I've come from just 6 months ago. When I look back at all the pictures over the past year it's like a total metamorphosis.  I need to write a blog to show the changes that happened each month. It's truly amazing how much the body can go through and then prevail.

Me and Moxy in May 2014

It's been just 10 days since I was in surgery to swap out the tissue expanders for my silicone implants. The surgery was a breeze compared to the last one (double mastectomy with tissue expanders). One bonus to have a DMX is that you don't have any feeling and so I don't feel the wounds healing. I do feel the aches and pains that are deep but I didn't feel the skin stretching or the wounds healing. It took about 3-4 days to rest but then I started back at work the best I could. I think the main set back was the after surgery fatigue. But overall, the recovery has not been too bad. Also, it doesn't feel like I have a board in my chest anymore. These implants are so much more comfortable. Huge Difference!!! They feel like soft water balloons rather than tupperware containers now, which is a little more natural. Not to mention they are a bit lower and not directly under my chin anymore. 

Hunter and me dressed as cops for Halloween!!!

I definitely try to keep myself busy. Since my last post I did two 5K races......I'm not gonna lie, I walked. BUT it felt great to be able to finish the races and I can't wait to do some more. I've also finished classes and certification for my dog, Hunter, to be a Pet Therapy dog. It was a 5 week commitment and he's now on the road to help make others heal through hugs and happiness. You can actually follow him on his Facebook page, https://www.facebook.com/HunterArloFay, and soon he'll have his own charity so stay tuned! He starts work on Wednesdays at Moffitt along with some other fun upcoming assignments.

Mom & me at the Bucs game with friends

I've spent a lot of time out and about doing things I love to do. I get to spend times with friends and family and it means more to me now than ever. My husband and I make more of an effort to have date nights in our busy schedule and I absolutely love it!  All this stuff I sorta took for granted before is now something I really appreciate.

So much has happened over the past year of my life.  Yesterday was the One Year anniversary of the day I actually felt my lump. I was laying on the couch and felt something odd but thought it was just a bruise from my dogs always standing on me. At 38 years old having cancer was not in my daily agenda but it happened and I handled it with the help of my husband, friends, and family. With that said, make sure you check your ta ta's once a month so you know when something doesn't feel right!

Now I'm working on getting back to life. This means trying to get back to normal and not dwell on the fact that I had cancer and that cancer may return. That is not an easy thing to do and those that have faced this can totally understand. Moving forward I am going to live me life the healthiest way I can and keep on top of my follow up appointments and screenings. IF something shows up then we will deal with it.  But I have to live my life in the mean time and not sit around worrying about getting cancer again because that will get me nowhere! This is one of those things that are easier said than done so it will take some work but I'm getting there!

Me and mom at the BC American Cancer Society 5K

Honored w/ other brave survivors at the Bucs 5K Treasure Chest run.

Finally! Waited so long to be able to shoot some clays again!

The Body IS Amazing

Exactly 3 months ago today I was being discharged from the hospital after undergoing a double mastectomy with the start of reconstruction. At the time, I felt like there was a cinder block sitting on my chest and I could barely move my arms. I remember feeling like it would be forever until I felt good again! Keep in mind, the surgery was just 5 weeks after finishing chemo that destroys every cell you have (except the fat cells, apparently those cells stick around!).

Over the past month I've tried to make more of an effort to exercise and it's harder than I thought it would be! Looking back I regret not being in better shape before going through all of this. Between the stress of life and work I just didn't focus on staying in good shape. I can't sit here and be upset about it now because I just need to move forward and get healthy again. After walking or doing anything strenuous I pay for it later and it frustrates me. But tonight I took a moment to reflect that it was JUST 3 MONTHS AGO that I was walking out of the hospital after major surgery. I look at these pictures of me below and can't believe it's even me. My body has gone through so many changes since then that it is truly amazing how our bodies bounce back.

I don't remember taking this picture above because I was doped up at the time but this is probably one of the first glamour shots after my surgery. Then I got to wear this fancy velcro halter top for the next few weeks. Notice I don't have any eyebrows or hair yet either.....oh yea and my boobs are gone too!

Just  barely 4 weeks after the above pictures my sister and I decided to join a good friend of mine and take a trip to Nashville for the 4th of July. I wasn't in the best of shape but I was able to go and have a great time! I finally wore the wig I spend a ton of money on but quickly found out how hot they are so it's been put away ever since! Right about this same time you'll see my eyebrows are actually starting so show, along with some eyelashes. This happened just 3 months after finishing chemo.  Also at this point I had a little bit of hair, basically a GI Jane buzz cut again except that the coloring seems a little lighter than it was.

 I forgot to mention that at 4 weeks post surgery I started gentle yoga. I thought it would be easy for me because I've done yoga plenty of times in my life....but it was hard! I went to that same class this past week and I can see a huge difference in flexibility and strength so I am glad it's something I decided to do. The only downfall is that I let my mind race during yoga and I need to stop that. Defeats the purpose!

Towards the end of August we took a last minute trip to Key West for work. I decided to tag along on this trip and glad I did because that place is therapeutic to me. At this point in my reconstruction process I've had 300cc of saline injected and I'm starting to feel better. One thing I've learned from all of this is to take advantage of days when you feel good!

Cabin mates!!!!

This brings me to just a week ago when I had the opportunity to be a camper at Faces of Courage. Now this was FUN! My bestie Laura has been a camper for the past few years along with another friend Stephanie. Those two were diagnosed with colon cancer about a month apart back in 2009 (crazy, huh?).

Steph, Me, and Laura

At camp I was able to do some archery which was surprising to me. I didn't think that would be something I could do just yet. I also tried kayaking for the first time and stayed above water. I've canoed a ton of times but never tried a kayak and glad I did. Then we did some water zumba for an hour and that was a great workout. After being out and about all day at camp we had a "Little Hats" themed dance and that explains our look in the pictures here! It was a lot of fun and I plan on doing it again next year if they'll let me come back!

Me trying out for Hunger Games

The week prior to camp I signed up for a membership at the gym. I even got a personal trainer so that I actually go and make progress. I know how to work out and all that goes with it but I need some accountability! Plus the trainer I have is recovering from an accident and can relate to body pain and weakness. So far I've made it to the gym two weeks in a row and I do not plan on quitting yet. NOT after I saw my weight on Tuesday, geez!! I credit the weight gain to lack of activity but most of all to menopause and Lyrica. I've decided to ween off Lyrica (with my doctor's help) and just deal with the neuropathy like a big girl. I'm hoping that being active will help with the pain and definitely help with getting back in shape!

Next on my agenda is to start Piano Lessons in a few more days. I've never had a real lesson and I am looking forward to it. I also started back with Dock Diving lessons for my lab and he's so happy about that. Next week I start therapy training classes with him so he can go put smiles on faces that truly need it to heal.

So, as I was leaving the gym tonight I just thought about how just 3 months ago today I was starting my recovery. I thought about how every last cell in the body can be damaged but with time and effort it can bounce back. I don't know where I am with recovery, maybe 40-45%....maybe more than that. I just know that I'm better off than I was 3 months ago and that's something to smile about. Three months ago I couldn't even open a door and today I don't even worry about opening doors. However, don't think for a second I won't be complaining about pain tonight or bitching about hot flashes because that all still happens! If you don't believe me you can ask my husband, I'm sure he'd love to tell ya!

Thanks for reading and I hope this enlightened those going through treatment that better days will come. It doesn't seem like it at the time but really does get better. Some days are better than others still today; but for the most part life is pretty darn good.

There I am in a kayak back there; Steph and Laura in the canoe

Taxol Treatment (Video Blogs) and Finishing a 5K Afterwards!

Walking a 5K after my last round of chemo, so HAPPY in this moment.

It didn't occur to me until I was halfway through treatment to actually video myself. I got the idea from doing some google searches myself and seeing a video blog of a brave woman fighting breast cancer. In retrospect, I wish recording video blogs was a part of my documentation because it really shows the emotions and pains in a way that I cannot put into words.

Until now I haven't really watched these videos (hard to believe it's even me.... it makes me emotional!). Those 4 months seem to be a blur and I am proud of myself for making it through. It truly is a fight like no other. Watching these videos made me see what it put my body through physically and emotionally. I want to share them so that others going through this will see that it is OK to feel down and beat up because eventually you will be done with treatment. My BC sisters always reminded me that "it's temporary" and that helped me get through the hard times.

Keep in mind that prior to doing 4 biweekly dose dense rounds of Taxol (Paclitaxel) that I also did 4 biweekly dose dense rounds of AC treatment. A is also referred to as adriamycin (red devil) andC was cyclophosphamide. I also had the Neulasta shot after each round except on one of my Taxol rounds, I was able to do without. None of this is out of the ordinary and many many many BC patients go through this same regimen if their bodies allow them to. There is nothing pretty about cancer so here I am in raw form for the world to see me at my absolute worst!

Below are two videos after my 1st round of Taxol. I was very nervous prior to taking Taxol because of the possible side effects during infusion. My PA recognized this on my first round and would prescribe me to take Ativan with my treatment to keep the anxiety at ease and I am glad she did that. I found it interesting how in a future video I talk about round 1 not being so bad but now I watched round 1 and see that it was rough as well.  Strange how soon we forget how the pain felt, but that's a good thing.

Next is a video of after my 2nd round of Taxol. Here you will see one my Dogo Aregentinos, Moxy, being extra loving and sweet. All my dogs helped me get through the days with their unconditional love and snuggling. Looking back at these I see how treatment seemed to make me bedridden for many reasons. Laying around in bed is not in my normal daily routine but chemo gives you no choice sometimes.

These two videos below were both after my 3rd round of Taxol. I say it's Tuesday in the first video but it was actually Thursday! Duh! Goes to show my brain was a bit foggy at the time. The second video for this round was on Friday (infusion was on Tues.). Generally I would feel the worst between days 2-6 after infusion. The gorgeous black lab is my Hunter and I literally take him everywhere with me whenever possible!

Finally below is after my 4th round of Taxol. After this round I was looking forward to doing a 5K with 40+ of my team members/supporters for Miles for Moffitt. I felt like crap after fighting through 8 rounds of dose dense chemo,  but just knowing that I was done made it so much more tolerable!

On day 11 after that last round of Taxol I did a 5K Miles for Moffitt run and had SO MUCH FUN! I walked just over 2 miles of it and let one of my fabulous employees help wheelchair me a mile. A couple days after this I was VERY sore but I think that was coming regardless of doing the walk. Taxol is mean to your joints and bones and today I am still struggling with aches, pains, restlessness, weakness, etc. BUT my cancer is G O N E and this is the price I have to pay to be healthy again.

My awesome team before the race!

My husband and best friend :)

Crossing the finish line with my besties and sister, life is good!!

My team after the race for a final group shot, thank you all!

My sign fell off the stick so now here I have a magic wand instead!!

Cancer may have kicked my ass and done some damage, 

but I won!