Dreams

I think it was the second night after Laura passed when I had a dream with her in it. A few other weird things happened within those first few days but I'll get to that later. In my dream, I was dying and eventually died. I went through some small door opening that was lit brightly and she was there! It was good to see that she was ok and the first thing I wanted to do is look for a dog I had who was named Arlo. Funny thing is that we adopted Arlo along with Selma when the 3 of us lived together in an apartment by USF. But once we all went our separate ways Arlo stayed with me and died in 2009 at 14 years of age. So, Laura and I go to a place where all the dogs live and it was an area full of kennels. But the dogs could come and go as they please. We started calling for Arlo and he showed up! It was awesome but when I woke up all I could do was cry because I miss them both yet it was comforting to see her and Arlo doing just fine. Hopefully they stick together up there!

Arlo at our place in Ohio

You know how unexplainable things happen sometimes and it makes you feel like the person is present? Rich, her husband, actually has a couple really good examples of this and basically it was her presence that let him to decide on laying her to rest at the Gan Shalom Cemetary. He literally lost power to his phone, then his computer shut down as he was trying to find the number to call a different cemetary. This clearly told him she wanted to be at the Jewish Cemetary! The sweetest part of this is that Rich also bought a plot right beside her for himself so one day the kids don't have to worry about what to do when his time is called.

Gates to Gan Shalom Cemetary, beautiful place.

Laura loved to play tricks and her co-workers along with family and friends could all vouch for that! The day after she passed her little sister, Linda, walked into Laura's room and turned on the light then headed to use the master bathroom. As she got to the bathroom the lights went out! ...I probably would have wet my pants if this were me!... Anyway, for some reason a picture frame (That Linda gave to Laura years ago about being sisters and friends) decided to fall off the wall and it hit the light switch. Crazy huh?! Also, my phone was dropping calls and not keeping a charge that first week she was gone. It happened when Rich called me in the middle of the night to tell me she passed. We talked awhile and then all of a sudden our call dropped for no reason! It happened all day and I never have those kinds of issues with my phone! It seems to be working fine now. I think maybe she was playing tricks on me.

Linda, Mike, Karen, & Laura (Reiner siblings)

Strange things happen when someone you love passes away. I don't know if it's actually them visiting us or if it's us reaching for something to help get through what we don't know. I had another dream last night with Laura in it. Sadly I died in this dream too! In both dreams I die the same way and it's from cancer and there is some time in limbo going back and forth between living and dying. I feel scared but once I pass through the lit doorway I feel better. Laura was waiting for me just like the last time. We got separated at one point becasue we were trying to find an auditorium that was doing a dance show, go figure. But we met up again then I don't remember the rest of the dream. At least I was reassured that she's doing ok! It sure does make me miss her even more when this happens but that's ok. 

I am not the most religious person but as I get older and go through more trials and tribulations in life I seem to gain more faith. This is something I plan to discuss in my next blog becasue so many of us struggle with it yet we hope there is something out there. With Laura being gone I REALLY hope she's up there will all our loved ones having the time of her life eating Mexican food and running around in sleepy pants with a camera around her neck. Oh, and I hope she is singing for everyone too! If you don't believe in anything, where does it mean when someone dies - is that the all time end? I doubt it. I hope not. 

The family is traveling and collecting rocks to bring back for Laura. It's a Jewish tradition to place rocks on their resting place and Laura loved to travel so they are doing this for her. She's missing from this picture but makes me wonder if she's right there with them....

Laura's GoFund me site

Laura Our Superhero

It's late, going on 3AM, and I'm still awake with my mind racing. It's been almost 3 weeks since Laura passed away and each day actually seems to get harder. One of my last blogs was about Laura and was titled "When Your Bestie Has Cancer Too" . A post to refer to for those of you reading this that may not know me personally. Words can't even express how amazing she was and how much she is missed by all that had the privledge to know her.

Us flying to Seattle - May 2015

I've wanted to write about this but just can't figure out where to start. Just over a month ago Laura and I ventured off to Seattle to seek treatment since there was nothing they could do here at home. She wasn't doing well when we left but she was determined to try more treatment so she could watch her kids grow up and make memories with her family. While in Seattle we met an MD and ND (Naturopath Doctor) that had a plan for her and it really sounded hopeful. She wanted to see Noah graduate 8th grade and be there for Tatum's 12th birthday and dance recitals so I booked round trip tickets for us to fly to Tampa then back to Seattle a week later to get started with treatment. But things quickly changed and her body had enough and she passed the day we were supposed to fly back to Seattle. She was able to make it to Noah's graduation and through Tatum's birthday and dance recitals becuase of her will to fight and hang on for her kids. Laura peacefully left us within hours after Tatum finished her last recital.


Laura didn't "Lose Her Fight To Cancer".  I hate that expression.  As a fighter myself I understand now that if we pass that we didn't lose.  Cancer doesn't fight fair to begin with so it's not right to say cancer won, which is essentially what you are saying with that statement. Cancer surely didn't win with her because Laura fought hard, harder than anyone I know. She never gave up. Her husband said it perfectly when he read her eulogy when he said, "I think that at the last moment she decided to pass because she knew that that single act would ensure the cancers death, with hers, and she felt she had taught us enough to continue on without her in this physical plane where we exist."


As I try to get through my days I often remind myself to try to be as strong as Laura......but that is much easier said than done. She was a major part of my life and a major part of who I am today, and for that I am grateful. But grieving is hard and there is no right or wrong way to go about it.  There is no way to make it easier as far as I know. I'll be honest and say I am a mess right now. It's difficult to accomplish anything, which includes getting out of bed. I can't focus on anything that requires thought. I feel like a complete loser and feel like I should be able to be stronger than this, but I'm not. There are times when I feel like a sandbag where I just can't move and my mental capacity is that of sand. Yes I think about the good memories but that doesn't take away the fact that she's gone and new memories cannot be made. 


Most people don't talk about mental health because it's too embarrassing. But we all have problems and we can all use some help sometimes. So that's exactly what I did, I got some help. And yes I do need to take anxiety meds at times because the emotions are more than I can control! But I also called my therapist at Moffitt and was able to help myself understand what I am going through. It seems ridiculous that we need another person to figure this out but it's the truth! This is sort of a lie,  I actually didn't make the call, they called me.  I saw my oncologist around the same time for a follow up and she saw right through me and told me she was concerned and put in a request for an appointment for me. 


So I learned that it's ok to be upset and grieve. It's ok to get angry, to cry, and to be alone. Basically it's a type of depression and time should heal this state of mind that I'm in. Sometimes this takes weeks but in some cases it takes months, years. She told me it's ok to take time for myself and allow myself to be upset and grieve so that some day I can heal from this. I was told that not only did I lose my life long best friend, but that I watched her life end from cancer and it was cruel and traumatic. And apparently cancer survivors have a really hard time with this because we share that same disease and we tend to feel some level of fear and also survivor's guilt. All this is true for me but I also have guilt that I didn't do enough. I don't know what else I could have done but there is probably something else at some point we could have explored so that she would still be here today.

I plan to blog and be open about this emotional pain.  I am 100% sure that I'm not the only one battling this and trying to get through each day. For some reason it's comforting to hear someone discuss things that most people don't talk about openly. Laura touched so many lives and so many of us are hurting right now but at least she is no longer hurting or suffering. At least now she is at peace and watching over us. 



Below are two links to stories that were published in the local newspaper about Laura:

Laura Hauser inspired others during her cancer battle

Hundreds turn out to remember Laura Hauser

Here is a link to the GoFund me site that I set up for the Hauser's. It clearly shows the amount of love and support for Laura and the family by the amount of money raised!

Laura's GoFund me site

Always ready with a camera and her smile, RIP Laura - you are loved and missed.

When Your Bestie Has Cancer Too - Damnit!

Chemo Day for my bestie - Screw You Cancer!!!

Today I got a call from my bestie and she needed me to be her chemo partner because her hubby is too sick and shouldn't be at a cancer hospital. She knows that at any time or hour she can call and I will be there no matter what it takes! He wouldn't miss being there for her but this time he had a cough that just isn't safe for the patients to be around.

We met in 1981 and she was in the 1st grade class next to mine. There was literally 2 of those old double sided chalkboards with wheels to separate her class from mine! Over the next number of years we spent countless hours together doing sleepovers, riding bikes, skating, playing kickball, and so on. We went to different schools in 7th grade but made up for that time by being college roomies at USF. Although we had some struggles through those times we've managed to work through it all and maintain our best friend status!

Laura @ the Undy Run in 2014

I was pulling up to Moffitt this morning and looking at the flags blowing in the wind and thinking what a beautiful facility it really is. I also started to tear up because going to the infusion center brings back a lot of feelings and I hate it that she has to go through chemo treatment again. Laura has been fighting Stage IV Colon Cancer since her diagnosis in 2009. She barreled through surgeries and treatment like a total BadAss and her strength is just amazing. Over the years they've administered the traditional therapies for this type of cancer and she's done several clinical trials as well. Sometimes they just aren't working and other times the side effects just get to be too much to handle. 

So now she's back in treatment again to get the metastasis back under control. It's hard to watch your friend go through this. It was hard for me before my own diagnosis but now I actually know what it's like physically and mentally. She's told me how hard it was for her to watch me go through it! So I don't know what's worse: cancer treatment or watching cancer treatment and knowing there's nothing you can do. I hate cancer!!!

Typing this up has reminded me of some old memories that both of us were a part of. There was the time when we were hanging out and she was running in the carport at our friend's house (Tommy Rodgers, RIP) then slipped and fell on her chin! She ended up bleeding all over and even got stitches. Another time we were at our friend's (Kristen M.) sleepover party where my wrist got broken on the trampoline! At another sleepover we were at my nose got broke while Laura's sister Karen was keeping an eye on us! Laura was the first person I called when my parents told me they were having a baby. I was 11 and not so thrilled at the idea but Laura thought it was awesome and she's been a part of my sister Sam's entire life!

Freshman year dorm @ USF

We have so many good memories over the last 34 years together that I could probably crash this blog site if I listed them all.  Then again, my memory sucks so I would need some help to remember them! I sure wish we had camera phones back then because there would be some great pictures. Actually.....it's probably better that camera phones weren't around our entire lives! Laura is a photographer and a bit addicted to taking pictures so imagine the magnitude of pics out there if she had her hands on a camera phone back then!

Being there with Laura today just makes me appreciate the value of true friendship. I love how her kids call me Aunt Pam and consider me family and I love how my family considers her to be family too! Not everyone gets to have a friend like this and both of us recognize how awesome it is! If you get a chance, reach out to a friend today and share some memories!

Me, Laura, & Selma at Relay for Life.....2011 or 2012

Me and Laura early in our freshman year at USF

Look who's 40!!!!

During my treatment.....April 2014

@ Epcot for Laura's annual Disney trip.....2015